fucking bullshit

Life is a bunch of fucking bullshit .......

and that sums it all up in a nutshell .... I am so sick and tired of waiting and sick and tired of life not working out. Faith is a fucking joke really .... I have no money no job and no fucking purpose right now.

So what is the lesson in all this fucking shit ... because according to the so called "experts" everything has a lesson ... well right now the lesson screaming loud and clear is that LIFE FUCKING SUCKS!!!!! MY LIFE SUCKS!!!!

Gratitude ... ha ha ha ha !!!!! I am so grateful for my daughter, grateful for my family, grateful for having food, grateful for having a roof over my head, grateful for having pretty good health ...

I am not grateful for my life right now ... and to be honest if it was taken away tomorrow .... i could not give a dam .... ... I am tired of struggling to get to where I want to be, actually I am tired of struggle to breath, struggling to live, not having money, not being able to fulfill my so called fucking path ... what path ....

Where are my angels and my guides .... where is GOD!!! What the hell did I do so wrong in my life. Yes, we create our realities .... yes I get that .... but what did I do so badly to deserve such pain .... such loss.... such angst .... such anger ... its all a big fat fucking cosmic joke ....
I read these motivational books and positive thinking stuff and I feel sick to my stomach .... I want to VOMIT!!!!! SPEW all over the pages of this bullshit ... its easy to sit on a fucking perch when you life is amazing and write about all this positive shit ... its easy to sit there and think positive thoughts when you are living through a positive situation ... tell that shit to a mother who just lost a child, tell that to a person who just lost their house .... tell that positive shit to someone who lost everything .... ITS A BUNCH OF CRAP BULLSHIT!

So fuck it all, fuck all this shit ..... fuck fuck fuck .......

Where you been?

Well I havent written in a while and its been a hectic couple of months. Today I thought I would break the ice and write something short and sweet. The last time I posted I had this plan to go to Cyprus where everything in my mind would magically happen and everything would miraculously sort itself out ... BIG FAT LMAO!!!!

Since then I am no longer going to Cyprus and since I am not working, I have been keeping myself busy renovating the house, painting and all that stuff in preparation for starting my own healing practice. Am still waiting for some money to come in, which will help get things set up. But above everything else, I am learning to take things one day at a time. Every time things get too much, I seem to get this peak of emotions and feel a little depressed, I have discovered this to be my higher self's way of forcing me to just slow down and take a back step.

Things are slow and some days feel a little difficult to get through, but hey, at the end of the day, if I look at where I was 6 months ago to where I am now ... BIG Difference. I just have to keep bringing myself back into the present and just focus on one day at a time, one moment at a time and just relax and learn to let go.

That is all ...

The journey

Freak ....

Currently I am a little freaked out because nothing seems to be working according to this plan that I have made in my little head. And that scares me alot on the one hand because it is a pattern that has been created over many years, that everything needs to have a plan. But then again, on the other hand it does have a certain ring of true freedom as this allows life to flow.

So now what ...

I quit my job, which I would have done anyway, to pursue my true path of healing. My intention was to take a trip to Cyprus and there I was meant to learn alot of new things and have some much needed time off ..

Now the trip has been put on hold .... grrrrrrrr .......... on one hand it freaks me out because everything was centred around this and now I have no idea what is coming next. But on the other hand, deep down inside, I have this feeling that I am not alone and that I will be supported immensely going forward. I just need to relax, take some time off and see what happens. The problem is that the mind needs to have a plan ... so my mind is going a little busy right now coming up with solutions and that is all fine and well - because that is what the mind is meant to be doing. I also have a feeling that this is part of some type of training on trusting my intuition and letting it guide me on what to do next - so I truly and really just need to let go and follow my instinct. So lets see where this goes to... I have so many questions - but have no idea where to begin... for now though, I guess the goal is to just allow. To let life flow and to keep an open mind.

mmmmmm ... what to do, what to do ....

Nothing .. do nothing...unless I am inspired to do something ... that is all ...

Worry Worry Worry

I have come to realise that worry has nothing to do with the thing you are worried about, but more about a state of mind. I used to be, and still am on many levels - a little worrier. A curse that I have passed down to my daughter - poor thing.

Over the past couple of years, I have worried about everything from money and debt, my daughter, traffic, work, family, my weight, my looks, what everyone else thinks and blah de blah blah blah. You name it, I have worried about it, whether it had anything to do with me or not, whether I could control it or not, I worried about it.

I used to think that if I could just get this thing sorted out then I wouldnt need to worry anymore and everything would be fine. HA HA HA! I laugh at myself now as I type this. I would spend hours and hours solving problems until eventually I would have a miraculous answer to the problem and I would work hard at fixing it. Once it was fixed there would be a great sense of relief as now it was solved. But what happened after that ... a little while after the sense of relief had dissapeared a new BIG worry would come into play and the cycle would continue.

You see the things that you worry about constantly ALL THE TIME has really nothing to do with solving the problems or fixing everything. The reality of life is that you will always, always have problems, you will always have things that need sorting out and worrying about them actually does absolutley nothing except suck the life force out of you and stop you from enjoying your life right now.

Did you know that 90% of the things we worry about never happen ... so then why do we worry all the time?? It is fear, we fear the unknown and we fear that which we cannot control, so we try and get in control of the uncontrollable. Our mind takes over and starts to throw solutions at it and then you start having a full blown mental argument with yourself and attacking the solutions that your mind just threw at you.

The key is to get out of that state of worry though and how do we do that??

Get back into right now ... this is not an easy task though as when you are in that state of worry it is like you are in a trance. The only way out is to just acknowlede that you are really really worried about this and then get back to your task at hand. So if you are at work, give your job your full attention. If you are sitting around doing nothing, give your physical body and your breathing your full attention. Just focus on wherever you are right now and be WILLING to let it go.

Faith and Trust

I am currently faced with a massive change in my life and although I keep being told to trust and have faith - I am finding this excruciatingly difficult right now.

There is a strong part of me that really does not like this lack of control and this feeling of utter helplessness. I want to be able to control this situation, i want dates and plans and a list of what needs to be done. Is this not how we operate??

There is an immense panic happening as this big event draws nearer because in my mind I had played out what was going to happen in some type of sub conscious timeline and now everything has not fallen into place. So now what? I panic ... I get angry .. I get really really scared..what if I have made a mistake? What if what i thought would happen does not happen?? What then? I know I will be fine if this does not happen - but how do I know either way... its so dam frustrating.

I am in no-mans land right now - in between, stuck in the middle of nothingness with no direction. Perhaps that is the answer, I have no direction right now ... and maybe its because I am not meant to have direction... maybe I am meant to just stay put and wait and see ...grrrrrrr. I hate that ... it really does suck. Surely there should be some type of sign, surely the universe can grace me with some type of indication that everything is alright ... wait, it already has...

And yet, I still have this worrying feeling that things might collapse under me - but again its an illusion, its ego I guess. In the end everything will be okay. Its the bits in between that seem to get in the way. It the hours and hours spent worrying about something.

I keep being reminded to just stay in the now and everything will fall into place, but this constant nagging and worrying and this total feeling of helplessness sometimes gets the better of me.

So today I choose that these feelings of fear and worry do not consume my attention and rob me of my joy and I acknowledge that no amount of worrying and stressing and shouting and screaming will make anything happen any faster - all it does is literally rob me of the present and take me out of my place of joy and peace. It does not fit into the higher good who is me, who is you, who is all things.

Perspective

One of the most significant things I have learnt in my life is that everything is an illusion and how we view the world is all a matter of perspective. I have discussed this before but it seems to be popping up again at this moment in time.

There has been much said already about how 2 people can go through the exact same experience and view it in completely different ways. Other things like you can be so angry or upset with someone for hurting you and then 1 little fact can reveal itself and suddenly all that anger or hurt dissapears. The event did not change, just your perspective did.

I can choose my perspective as well - i can choose to look at someone calling me a bitch as a hurtful comment and allow it to eat into my self esteem or I can choose to look at as an attack and attack back or even better I can realise that if someone does not like me or what I have to say then it is really not my issue - it is their issue. They need to deal with it, I dont.

So again, we can choose to view the world how we want to view it .. its as simple as that.

What's changed??

Its been another rollercoaster couple of weeks and I haven’t really been inspired to write because I have been trying to figure it all out …

I am back together with my angel for reasons that I don’t understand. But that is another whole discussion – I have decided however, to trust my feelings and just go with it. No one truly knows what tomorrow brings and if there is one thing I have learnt over the past couple of months is that I need to allow things to happen and I need to follow the joy.

It has been strange though – I am still me, I am still the same person … but things have changed. I would say I have changed, but to be honest, I haven’t changed at all I have just become more comfortable with being me and I would say that I am finally starting to shine through… through all the clouds, the anger, the pain, the angst .. finally I am started to emerge and to trust that its okay to be me.

Still a challenge though and I find myself having to remind myself every now and again to relax and that I am safe and loved and that I can just be me. This however, is not very easy when you are dealing with old routines. Let me explain:

I believe that each experience that we have been through is stored in our memory, but not just as a memory, it has emotions attached, and it has an automatic reaction attached to it as well. So for example, if as a child you were told that sweets were bad for you and that every time you ate sweets, you were made to feel as though you were being naughty. Entrenched in your mind will always be that feeling of being naughty and guilt and you will react to it in a way that will either cause you to fear the guilt or love the feeling of being naughty. It can become quite complex.. But nevertheless – my point is that you have certain emotions and reactions attached to a situation until you learn to break the cycle.

I have noticed this quite a lot when I got back together with my angel and I went to his house the first time. It was like a flood of memories and emotions came back and although I was really happy to be there … I had to be fully aware and present of what was happening or I could have been completely sucked into the illusion. It was incredible, even certain smells triggered emotions. And going through the motions of our old routine, the things that used to bother me or make me irritable or resentful … I would actually notice that same feeling coming up … although I no longer had any reason to feel like that … for the first couple of days I kept noticing these old emotions surfacing… And after going through a lot of transformation over the past couple of months I was stumped by how these things still came up .. not nearly as intensely though .. but they served their purpose. So I decided to just stay fully aware on not react to anything …just watch it all and allow myself to silently witness all this stuff as it came up.

It took me a good few days for these feelings and thoughts to flow through, and I had to consciously at times acknowledge that this was not real and allow it to pass. I eventually did a house clearing which actually helped a lot and lifted a lot of the old stuck emotions in the house … and also helped me to release a lot of the old stuck emotions.

As we go through all this again, it is somehow different through. I have definitely noticed a completely different person or connection between us. Its weird though, at times we relate to each other on a purely human level, man to woman. Mind to mind, ego to ego and there is a very strong connection.. but there is this deeper level, this connection to soul. At times I look at him and I see a young boy, I see his innocence and his purity. At times I see him as a man, strong and independent. At times I see him as a divine being – radiating with love and surrounded by pure white light.

On all these levels we connect, although at times we oscillate between all of these. At times I am also all three and sometimes we are on the same levels, sometimes we are on different levels and all of these have different dynamics attached to them. But each one is amazing and I am so enjoying this intense feeling of divine love between us right now.

It is just incredible to witness and incredible to experience. There are also of course times when we don’t quite connect, when perhaps we are on different levels and we don’t radiate at the same frequency and we tend to be on different wave lengths … but even that in its pure essence is incredible to witness. It just gives such insight to us as human beings and as divine beings.