fluff

so i am sitting here listening to one of my favourite songs of all time : Father and Son by Cat Stevens. I suppose the reasons why it is my favourite songs it that it is just like a summary of life ... it is so reassuring and just reminded us to just relax and enjoy right now ... when he says its not time to make a change ... it is exactly where I am right now .... I keep getting reminded to just relax - a difficult concept because I have always been so ambitious - there is always something to do something to achieve ... somewhere out there ... moving forward, moving fast ... to achieve the next thing that is going to make me happy ... this has been my comfort for as long as i can remember ... just moving ... everytime I hit a low ... I would pick myself up by just finding a new focus a new goal and new distraction ... never really facing me - Claire .. the little girl inside who is so scared ... it makes me wonder about at what point in my life I became this girl ... this girl so full of pain ... now dont get me wrong .. I have made huge strides in terms of my healing but this poor little scared child is still there .... she still has so much to let go of .. she still has to let go and learn that she can trust ... that she will be okay ... but when did this happen, when event or events actually made this little girl so scared and alone ... when did she decide that she was not safe ...... what caused it.

Its a weird feeling ... I sat this morning feeling a bit under the weather for the past few days and extremely anxious - but i cannot put my finger on exactly what it is ... it seems like everytime I take a few steps forward ... there seems to be a block ...

I sat this morning and just quietened my mind and just felt my whole body .... and for a moment I just felt that i am actually okay ... everything is actually okay ... it felt good ... but then my mind takes over .... and although i am not connecting so much with my ego anymore and I am becoming more adept to recognise when my ego is creating the story ... but there is more ... there is definetly somehting more there ... there is defintley one last thing that needs to be released ....

the funny thing is that I have actually come a very long way in the last couple of months .... I know that and I acknowledge that .... and i so desperatley want it all to be over now ... I want to be fully okay ... I want to feel that peace all the time ..... but there is still more ... more to be released or at least acknowledged ... but what is it .....??????? Bring it on ..... I am ready to take it - I am ready to listen .....