I remember

The memories of what we had have been causing me immense pain, I cannot understand why I keep feeling this deep sense of loss and pain. Today I have the inspiration to let it all out – but not feel the pain – instead feel the intense gratitude for what we shared.

I remember small things like sharing the love for peanut butter sandwiches. I remember watching you play baseball and feeling so proud of my man as he fulfilled his passion. I remember watching you in that cute little uniform and I remember your face, your smile and you love for baseball. Your pride as you talked about all the memories of your passion – how you were so proud of yourself for what you had achieved – and your passion and your love warmed my heart – it was so good to be part of your life and your passion.

I remember coming home after a tough day at work and looking forward to being in your arms – I remember that I used to actually feel irritated when you weren’t there ….LOL! Because then I would have to wait for you to get home.

I remember the look in your eyes as you made love to me – our bodies intertwined, my legs wrapped around you. I remember sharing that passion as our spirits merged for that moment. That look in your eyes – it was beautiful.

I remember when I was feeling really low – how you put me to bed and told me to go and sleep – that I deserved it. I remember you running me a bath with candles in the bathroom – you spoiled me. I remember how you helped me to believe that I do deserve to take care of myself and I do deserve to be taken care of.

I remember how you were so amazing when I had my car accident – you just took such good care of me – with such passion and such love. You wrapped your arms around me and completely took over the situation. I remember I felt so loved and so taken care of in the midst of all the chaos.

I remember how you looked at me from across a room full of people and I felt like you saw me, you connected with me and you loved me, I loved that look.

I remember how you kept telling me over and over to take things one day at a time, or even one minute at a time and for the first time in my life I learned to listen to someone else, really listen and take their advice.

I remember the puppies – the love you had for them, little PJ and Morgan – the light in your eyes as you gave them your love – it was incredible connection – and I remember witnessing your love for them.

I remember how kind you were to Kayla - and amidst all the chaos you found patience for her and you showed her love.

I remember how you took us into your life and allowed us to turn it upside down – without even a flinch or a worry. You just let it all in.

I remember lying with you on the bed for hours on end listening to music and feeling the passion for the music.

I remember Durban, I remember that feeling of being found again after all that pain. I remember lying at the pool, joking around, I remember my flip flops and kayla’s boogie board, I remember the walks to the beach, I remember your love and I remember my love and that feeling of being re-united.

I remember the happiness and joy of watching you climb the rock wall. The walking around, the tenpin bowling.

I remember arriving, the nervousness – my mind was racing – my heart was pounding. I remember the leaving, the sadness – perhaps somewhere deep down we both knew that that was goodbye….

I remember my ecstacy on my birthday as I saw my golf clubs. I remember going to the driving range with you. I remember how proud I was to be yours. They sit in my room right now and it hurts every time I think of going to play. It hurts for some reason it hurts.

I remember the Waterfront – we went their on Sunday – and all the memories flooded back in – I remember smiling intensely from deep within my soul as we walked through the waterfront – as we watched the skaters.

I remember the loss I felt when you weren’t around. I remember the abandonment I felt every time you left for baseball.

You re-awakened my passion for life, my passion for love, my passion for everything.

I suppose I cannot really explain in logical way or any way that the mind will be satisfied with – why something that brought us both so much joy and love and passion had to end. The only thing to say is that I needed to heal – it was time.

I can however, revel in the beauty of what we had and all the memories of all of it. And I am so eternally grateful for all that we had and all that we experienced together. So as once I was afraid of the memories – I now welcome them in each day because it is a reminder of the beauty and love and it brings joy and gratitude for everything that I got to experience with you. It was like you refreshed me, our relationship, you, the love and the passion, awakened something in me that had been sleeping and I am really so grateful for everything that you and I had together – the whole thing – the good, the bad, the ugly, the magnificent beauty of it all. Nothing in life is always perfect - nothing lasts forever, everything changes, but what remains after all the pain and the loss and the hurt is gratitude and love – pure unconditional love for all of life’s experiences. And if everything happens for a reason and right now I must come up with a reason, I think that this happened, the whole thing to teach me that even through the greatest pain and the greatest loss – there is beauty, there is love. I read something so true the other day … time doesn’t heal, love does – and I think I couldn’t agree more.

So with that ….thank-you for everything, for every moment of love and every moment of pain, because even pain is beautiful, it means we are alive – it means that we are still breathing, we are still feeling, we are still alive and we can still take one day at a time and find joy, even in pain.

And to you again, I say that I am sending you all my love and blessings and I wish you all the love that the world has to offer. Keep finding your joy and keep living your passion and always always be truly and inspirationally grateful.