Ouch ...

Okay so I needed to get passports sorted out for my daughter and myself and have been working myself up into a bit of a frenzy because I hate government departments and I know there are a whole lot of complications wrt to my daughter. Anyway after attending the Reiki II on Saturday we learned that Reiki can transcend time – in other words since time does not really exist anyway … you can send Reiki into your past and into the future.

So yesterday morning I decided that I needed to change my attitude about this whole event and be positive. I sent Reiki to the Home affairs office with the intention that they would all feel very loved and all feel extremely helpful.

I arranged to leave early …. Went to fetch my daughter from school and the whole way there was chanting in my head that everything is going to be fine, everything is going to run smoothly and all of the people working at Home Affairs office would be happy and loving and helpful …..

I stop at the Robot – literally about 2km away from the offices … and bam … my car stalls and won’t start …. I take a deep breath and think okay I am doing something wrong… take the key out, put it in again and try again … still doesn’t start … “OH NO!!!” I shout in my head … what now … I start panicking …. Pull myself together and say okay … so now what ….

In the mean time my Hazards are on and people are still hooting like mad men behind me …even an old granny drove past and asked if I was sleeping …. I politely smiled and told her to”@$%# off” … trying to stay calm …

I was sitting there with no phone … and the car wont start …. BIG OUCH!

I managed to roll the car backwards and to try and get out of the way … but while I was rolling backwards the breaks locked … I mean really .. must some kind of “SAFETY” feature … So quickly pull the handbreak up and try the car again ….. still nothing … so we jump out the car … walk to the nearest shopping centre and use the public phone … to phone the mom … caus the dad who is normally the one who does this stuff is flat on his back in hospital … FREAK!

To cut a very long story short … although it is filled with lots of humour and so much irony … I bought a new phone … it actually had battery life ….YAY! Mom got her roadside assistance to come out and tow the car to the nearest garage …..

Drum roll ………

Turns out that I am a true woman ….. the car had NO PETROL!!!! Now that is truly embarrassing ….. and well worth a good hearty laugh … a whole afternoon wasted because I did not realize that the car I have been driving does not have what I would think is a normal petrol light … THE ORANGE ONE … apparently when its gets to the last bar on this thing … that is the petrol light …. So now we know ….

Funny thing is that while I was so engrossed in panicking about Home Affairs and the whole process that I forgot to Petrol in … I mean really …..

Oh well, at least Home Affairs all got a nice dose of Reiki yesterday … hope they all feel blessed and happy right now ….. LOL! And at least the Tow truck driver had a big laugh .. and at least it wasn’t anything really serious …..

I suppose these kind of this humble you into realizing that we need to slow down and focus ….

I asked a friend last night what the universe was trying to tell me … because this whole week seems to have been designed as some grand test … its been a tough one … and he said that the universe was trying to tell me to PUT PETROL IN THE CAR … ITS DOESN’T RUN ON AIR ….

LMAO … maybe I need to stop taking myself so seriously ….. :-)

Being stuck

We all have times in our life when we are stuck. Stuck in a situation that we don’t like or we don’t enjoy. Stuck in an emotional state. Stuck in a financial state. We can be stuck in almost any situation that we choose to be stuck in. I say choose because it is a choice.

I was chatting to a friend the other day and she has this thing going to that she wants to loose weight – so she said, she wants to get a stairmaster – but that costs R600. So she can’t get it now because she does not have money. Now, I know that she has a bike, so I asked her what happened to her bike – she said that her place is so small that you cannot swing a cat and the bike is a mission. My words to her were this “why are you creating obstacles in your life?”

Now the reason I know this to be true is that we all do it all the time, we create obstacles … but in the same breadth we can remove them as well. We create our own prisons and then complain that we are stuck. The truth is that we are the only ones who hold the key; each one of us in our own way limits our own freedom in so many ways.

So why do we create these obstacles??

We create these obstacles because we don’t know what we want. Honestly…. I read a post the other day in a blog (newagebitch.com) and she discussed the topic of what do we want. If you say out loud – what do I want …. What answer comes back??? Happiness, freedom, security, world peace….blah blah blah ….

I can assure you that all of these things are already inside you.

Think about this … take one thing that you really want … lets use a Ferrari as an example. Why do I really want a Ferrari? Well, because if I have a Ferrari I will be cool, I will able to drive fast, people would notice me, I would have lots of friends and I would be happy and my life would change …..

Okay so if you read this statement – the truth here is that you want to be”happy” and you think that by getting a Ferrari you will have lots of friends who think you are cool and then you will be happy.

Break it down further …. To me this says … I AM LONELY and INSECURE.

And that is where you are stuck … but why are you stuck there??? Because you choose to be … let me make that very clear … you are stuck in this situation because that is your choice.

There are many reasons why you may be stuck there and all of those are good to explore … but the bottom line is that you choose to be there … You are attached to being lonely and this is exactly why you will always be lonely … until you are ready to let go of it and move forward.

Let’s say you do get a Ferrari … and you make great friends and then slowly but surely you realize that these people are not really your true friends anyway. You realize that the people you are dating are not really interested in you – they only wanted you for the image you were projecting … and yes, you will get there … then what … back to being lonely …. You will always go back to this point until you acknowledge that you are lonely … SAY IT OUT LOUD … I AM LONELY…….

The question is why you are attached to being lonely? How does this serve you? What are you protecting? What are you afraid of? What people in your life are you not acknowledging? What blessings are you missing?

Loss

your smile which warmed me
your voice which comforted me
your laugh which consumed me
your touch which surrounded me
your energy which consumed me

I miss you ....

sadness surrounds me now

I am walking my path
I am awakening to life
I am letting the light in

I still miss you

sadness surrounds me now

I wish you joy
I wish you peace

May the angels surround you
Engulf you in love and peace

May you heal
May you achieve greatness
May all this will be worthwhile

Be free .....

Where what and how

So I have been feeling quite irritable the last couple of days and I cannot quite pin point what the problem is. I know I need to relax and I know that I need to take it easy and let life flow – but at the same time I seem be resisting the relaxing and taking it easy … why???

There have been so many changes happening in my life the last couple of months and some of them have been quite painful to make. Even though they are the right choices for me and my path – they have been traumatic. Plus on top of this I have just recently made big decision to resign from my job and another big decision to move away and go on a adventrue. All these decisions I know will be good for me and for Kayla and I know they will result in good things … the problem is that I feel stuck right now … I feel that right now I am not in line with the universe … its my own issue .. but why am I stuck .. not actually the question is where am I stuck … in what state am I stuck ……

I drew the intention card last night and this morning – which to me means I am in a place with no intention … I am floating around and letting the current take me … sometimes that can be a good thing – although without intention – how does the current know where to take me.

So I set my intention that I am relaxed and at peace and am open to learn new things about healing and love. I embrace my choices with passion and I direct my life towards them.

http://www.informationalhealing.com/

Where to from here

Lets just say that you knew that you were about to do something great for mankind .. like find the cure for cancer or find the lost city of atlantis or something else just as great.  But in order to do that you had to totally trust in the universe and give up on certain things in your life ... which are in effect holding you back ... but they are very hard to give up.  Would you do it???

 

Reading that paragraph, i would most certainly say yes outright - no questions asked.  But in reality it is far different.  What are the risks exactly ... what are the consequences.  When you break it down like that ... it seems dam scary.  But then again why??? Do we ever KNOW for sure what is going to happen, do we ever KNOW for sure that things will be bad ...truth is that we dont. We dont know for sure of anything ... past or future.  All we really know is right now ... so then why does our mind automatically start panicking??  Whyd do we think of the bad stuff only ... the what if I cant this... and what if I cant that ....why dont we sit back and think good thoughts??? LIke what if everything is fine, what if we do great things...

 

The thing is that I recon the mind is there to bring us back down to earth sometimes ... from cloud nice ... but it gets a bit carried away.  I recon that if we just sit back, relax and allow things to happen it will be fine ... and even if its not ... it will be fine ... life has this amazing ability to teach us lessons, and yes sometimes they are hard lessons and sometimes we go through pain, alot of pain to get there ... sometimes that pain is necessary, but mostly it is not ... it is in fact through our resistance of moving forward and our resistance of taking that step of freedom that we feel pain ... we feel anguish ... and we suffer.

 

And yes, sometimes things do hurt .. the hurt like a MF ... but time truly does heal all wounds - if you allow it to - if you let the emotions come up and accept what you are feeling in the moment and then let go ....

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sadness

To a man that I once loved,  and still do ...

 

I am sad today ... sad that we cannot be friends, sad that you can not forgive me as i did you, sad because I dont know if you are alright, sad because I can do nothing .... but mostly sad because there is no hope .... there is not even a sign, a word, or anything ... so alas, I am sad .... I know that I need to let go ... and move on and accept that I may never see you again, I may never speak to you again, I may never know if you are okay.  I am dissapointed, so dissapointed ...

 

So I let go, I leave you in peace to carry on your life.... in peace .....

 

Archangel Michael, please give your protection to this man, give him courage to fight another day, take his fears as your own and release them into the worlds as love.  Give him constant guidance and help and bless him daily.

 

May all the angels, fill your heart with love, guidance, and understanding and may you always be blessed with love and grace in your life - help him heal and be by his side daily to lift him up into the light.

 

Thank-you .....

 

 

Letting go again

I decided it was time to write him a letter and try and get him to understand why ... it took me quite alot of time ... mainly because there was so much to say and so much that I needed him to understand... I realise now that he may never understand and that I need to let it go .... I do with that there was a magic wand or a potion that I could give to him and just make him feel better ... I hate the thought of him being in pain and I hate the fact that I caused it .... it does consume me sometimes and it does make me feel hurt. My sister said to me that i am crazy because who was there to wave a magic wand when i was hurting ... i suppose she is right .... but I need to know that he is okay .... it is like watching a sad movie ... I want to fast forward to the part when he is okay and he is over the hurt and the pain and he has moved on .... but I realise we must all go through the pain and we must just accept the process ..... i need to let go of it though ... I cannot make him happy, and i cannot heal him, that is a choice he needs to make .... it is just difficult to be sitting on the sideline and knowing I caused it .... the other thing that really worries me is that he does tend to block out ppl in his life that will help him ... but then again I know it is his choice and I need to also let go ....

I have left the door open to him and I truly hope he uses it .... but again ... I cannot control the outcome ... so i need to let go and accept the way it is .....

I love you my baby ... and I let you go with love and peace and wish you nothing but joy and bliss in your life .....

Aint life grand ....

Starting to feel better today .... slowly ... one step at a time ...

Isn't hindsight amazing ... something that seems so painful today that you cannot handle you cannot cope, you feel like your whole world is collapsing ... then later .. sometimes years you find out the reasons why things happened that way and that it all just makes sense....

My theme song for today is Let me go (3 Doors down). It means alot right now and in time it will all make sense ... I hope anyway.

I am still drawing the "focus" card ... wonder what Jordan (my guide) is trying to tell me ...

well anyway ... I am very tired and need to take a whole lot of screaming monkeys (kids) to Gold Reef City tomorrow ... YAY .. she says sarcastically ...

Thank-you J for being here for me now and always ... you have always been such a blessing in my life ... and thank you for helping me to find peace ... I promise to stop being so dam stubborn and to stop hanging on so tightly ... I know you mean well and I trust you ...

Trust

I keep getting messages to trust the process ... how can you trust blindly ... how can you do it when fear consumes you. I may have just made the biggest mistake of my life and yet ... I knew it was right. I threw away something that seemed so incredibly awesome away so that I can sort myself out .... I keep hearing that things will get better - right now I am not sure ... I hope ... there is hope ... but right now things were the same as they were yesterday, the same as they were a month ago ... the same.

I really just want him to be okay ... how can he be though ... how can he be???????????

I have decided that I have a choice right now - I can let the pain consume me and give up on life ... which believe me is so tempting ... but then I would really just give up and let go of everything or I can accept that what's done is done and know that I will be okay and so will he. I send love to him every night, his guides are there, his friends and his family will love him and support him... So I need to let go ... I need to let go or this pain will consume me ...this pain will envelop my entire being and it will kill me ... slowly but surely it will kill me ......

Your whole life you are taught to put other before yourself and the truth is that that is exactly why I am in the situation I am in now - I have always put everyone elses needs before mine ... to my own detriment - I never know when to stop, I never know when I am hurting myself to help someone else ... I have realised that now ... I have realised that I cannot continue to do that to myself and I cannot continue to be like I was ... again it will kill me ... I will end up so depressed again that I will not come out of it ... it is that serious ...

So again, I have the choice ... to live or to die ... it is that simple .....

Guilt

so here we are again ... in the clutches of pain ... only now its not only my pain that I feel - it is yours as well. from deep within my soul I am sad - I am hurting ... what is the point of all this pain. I wish nothing more than to just to hold you and hug you and make you feel alright ... make me feel alright ... make all the pain dissapear ... I keep thinking that maybe it would be easier if you hated me ... so hate me ... be angry with me .... let me be the stupid bitch that broke your heart ....

I just want you to be happy - and you cant with me right now ... you can't - I know in my soul that I would make you miserable because I cannot give you what you need. I wish you could see it from my side and I wish you get understand .... I know it wont take away the pain - but it will help you heal.... and you will heal .... you will be great and you will be happy ... I know it! Just let yourself heal ... let yourself feel sad and angry and let yourself feel miserable and then let it all go .... let go and move on ....

I know this doesn't make sense right now - it will though with time ... it will. Sometimes we hang onto things because we think they will make us happy but in truth they wont ... it is all an illusion. Your guide appeared last night and he is looking after you ... just allow him to help.

Do yourself a big favour please .... dont block out the people in your life that love you ... they are with you for a reason and they love you so much.

Fuck

Fuck you world, fuck you fear, fuck you pain. I have had enough ... I am so sick of feeling like this - so sick of being angry and lost. so sick of all of this shit. If you want me to do something ... do so with love or fuck off. Why would you make me scared. why would you give me fear and pain and anger. Show yourself to me, guide me with love ... stop freaking me out ... stop making me doubt myself ... I HATE THIS! I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!!!

If you have something to say - SAY IT! MAKE ME SEE! Prove it to me .. you cannot give me a mind that questions so much and is so curious and has all this scepticism and then tell me to trust ... FUCK THAT for a joke ... it does not work.

I will do what I want to do and what feels good - if it doesn't work out then so be it ... if something bad happens, then so be it ....

Trust

I release myself to you
I release my fear to you
I release my pain to you

Take it where you will

Love me
Protect me
Light me

Take it where you will

Reveal yourself to me
Reveal myself to me
Reveal your love to me

Take me where you will ...

Bleg.....

It is a strange phenomenon when you are waiting for something to happen as opposed to just appreciating the beauty of now. I am relatively calm today - however, school starts again tomorrow, its the start of a new week and I am waiting for my T to come home from Durban so that we can start over .... so as a result I am feeling rather restless today .. not as extreme as I normally am and my mood is relatively calm - but just uneasy .... and restless.

I really dont enjoy this space at all ... all it does is just distract me from being present and when I am distracted my mind takes over and goes into thinking mode ... and I am disconnected from everything that is. It is however one of those things and with my new frame of mind I am chosing not to fight my moods and to just flow with them ... so far fighting them has led to nothing but pain and unhappiness and in fact has made them worse. So now I am quite comfortable with allowing myself to feel sad if I am sad and angry if i am angry.

My healer told me the other day that it is okay to cry when I am happy ... that really got me thinking alot about how I am truly winning on the downers ... well winning in the sense that I know I will get through them ... eventually. But I am still blocking my happiness ... a very strange place to be .. since aren't we all just searching for happiness, then why would I block my happiness .. makes alot of sense for me though ... because I am more at peace then I have been for a very long time .. however, I think that I am still afraid of going downhill again and I am still afraid of letting go completely and ultimately am really just blocking myself completely from just being happy ... and I dont know why .... definetley needs some more thought though ....