Today today today ....

I wanted to write today but I really had no topic in mind … so let look at where I am at right now.

Yesterday was a very bad day – I was down and angry which eventually led to feelings of despair and doubt.

I am still battling to actually deal with these emotions and I still have very down days. I question why all the time. I have made the decision to follow my path and there are supposed to be great things happening to me then why am I still going through these things. It is difficult to explain what happens to me when I go through this – it kind of feels like I am infected with an unknown illness. My emotions consume my entire being and I cannot function – I cannot think clearly and I end up going down into a spiral until it eventually it explodes and then there is calm. It is very debilitating because even normal day to day functions become difficult and sometimes even impossible. It is strange through because ppl around you cannot help you, it is something that you have to just ride … ride the wave …. Until things reach a certain point and then something happens and everything settles down.

My most recent episode was yesterday – although I started feeling it on Sunday already .. .but tried to use positive thinking to let it pass … evidently that did not work …LOL! Sometimes these episodes last for hours – sometimes for days. I don’t know at this stage how to speed up the process or exactly what causes things to change. I do know that by resisting it – it becomes worse and more drawn out.

The difficult thing in all of this is how is does affect ppl around me – these days I tend to try and keep quiet and not react – this is very difficult because in a way I am keeping the anger in – but at the same time I realize that my emotions are extremely highly charged and a small little thing can get completely our of proportion – so its best as far as possible to just keep quiet and just let things pass.

It does pass eventually – I know this.

I am doing better though – I realized that I have stopped putting myself down and I have stopped blaming myself – which is a good thing … I have realized that I have no control over these emotions and I did not ask for them – so it is really not my fault – and I am still a good person.

This journey is a difficult one right now and I need to take it one day at a time, and take baby steps … slowly up the hill. Hopefully when I get to the top of the hill I will be able to see more clearly as to why all this has been necessary to my journey. There is still a lot of pain in here that needs to come out and I still constantly look for answers or understanding. I am not alone right now – although sometimes it feels like it - as there is no one that completely understands what I am going through and even when I try to explain to people that I care about – they do not understand – they try to … but they don’t. I do not blame them – I realize that this is not their journey and they cannot walk this path with me.

So for now – this is where I am at. There are people that I must leave behind – and this is also hard. But it is necessary – it is my path.

I keep thinking about great people like Joan of Arc – what did they have to endure for their path – I mean she could have just ignored the voice of “God” and carried on her merry life – but then what would that life have been like?? Would she have been happy?? Or would she have struggled?? Once she decided to take the path – it was not easy at all and she had a lot of suffering and pain. And in the end to go through all of that and to be labeled a witch …. But it was her path……

How much of what we think is free will is actually free will …. I mean we come on this plain to achieve something … we are told we have free will - and yes I agree to a point – but what if we are on the wrong path – are we just allowed to carry on with that path?? No – we are not … we are pushed in the right direction .. we are shoved … a lot of ppl have to go through a lot of pain before they awaken and realize their path – does it always have to be like this??

Lots of questions I guess ….

Some days are better than others – some days I am inspired – some days I am depressed – others are in between like today.

But I know I am surrounded by love – and I have many guides looking after me right now and a very good friend who always lends an ear – at least I have that … and so I am blessed …

Another Self help book ????

I have been thinking about the concept of self improvement and since I have probably read hundreds of self help books and have been diagnosed as being Bi-polar and have been through several bouts of severe depression with suicidal tendency … I have decided that this whole concept really stinks.

The reason why I am saying this is that I have spent my entire life trying to improve myself – always trying to find the latest thing that I need to do to make myself into a better person … I read and read and read and tried to apply things into my life and felt bad everytime I did not achieve what this book promised. Reading things like “this will change your life” … “this is the true answer to happiness” … HA HA HA! I say – what a load of absolute B/S.

By saying that we are trying to improve ourselves – does that not imply that we are not perfect just the way we are … it took me many years of suffering to realize this. Many many years of guilt and doubt and self-questioning to finally realize that the answer to all of my problems is really to love myself … EXACTLY THE WAY I AM. I am perfect just the way I am and so is everyone else. True happiness can only come from a place of self love. And yes this sounds like such a simple statement – but after years and years of feeding my mind with judgement and rubbish and expectations for how I should be and how I should live and what I should say and how I should act so that I can live up to a perception of what a good person is … what like Mother Teresa … HA! I didn’t even know the woman and I am pretty sure that she was a fantastic person – but at the same time I am sure she was not perfect in everyway and that she also had a balanced personality (good and bad).

I mean really we measure ourselves up to people that exist in our imaginations really … I mean take anyone that you idolize … Richard Branson – wow, now he looks like an amazing man – he looks jolly, successful, totally free … and yes I read his books as well and I was pretty inspired and motivated for a while. But bottom line is that they don’t tell you everything – I never knew him - he probably also got pissed off and kicked the dog, also felt like he had too much to do and not enough hours, also had screaming matches with his wife and kids, also just had bad days when he wanted to whole world to leave him alone. So bottom line is – the so called “Amazing” man is just a figure in our imagination … he is not real – he is not whole – he is not complete. He is just a perception. And we are trying to compare ourselves to that????? Very strange indeed.

Even if you look at people that you do know – these so called saints or so called happy people. They look so happy and so free and so together … and we strive to be like them and we get upset and judge ourselves because we just simply are not like them – why cant we be as happy, why cant we also go gym everyday, walk the dog, pick up the kids from school, bath them, read to them and still have time to do their night time beauty routine … HA HA HA! I say to all that … I don’t live in that persons mind, I don’t live in their shoes 24hrs a day … guaranteed they also have issues, and they also scream at the kids, fight with their husband, get really depressed sometime …100% guaranteed that they are not 100% perfectly happy – either that or they are on some time of happy pill, slimming tablet or any other drug of choice.

You see the bottom line is that we compare ourselves all the time to other people and to be completely honest, everyone has there problems whether we can see it or not. How many times have you heard of a couple that has suddenly split up and you are taken back by it and cannot understand why – the reason is that they only appear to be happy – you only see part of their lives – maybe the part that they want you to see, could be consciously or not. Behind the scenes, they are real – behind the scenes they also have issues that they cannot deal with, they also scream at each other, they also get angry, get hurt and get unhappy.

In absolute honest truth – every single person has issues – there is not such thing as a perfect person – only our perception – only what we imagine things to be like. And then we are comparing ourselves to this – we benchmark ourselves on this imaginary image of what we should be like – based on imaginary people doing imaginary things. So therefore we are destined to fail.

And everytime you try and fail – you need to pick up the pieces all over again.

So my new self help strategy is exactly that SELF HELP. No more books no more websites, no more anything. It is time to reflect and trust that I can help myself.

My first thing that I need to learn is self love ….. because I am perfect just the way I am and I am exactly where I am supposed to be and everything is exactly as it is supposed to be.

Relationships with people

People around us are our teachers – if only we would be the students.

I have been thinking about my relationship with other people – specifically family and have realized so much about myself by the way they react to me or at least my perception on the way they react to me.

I will give you an example – I have always felt that my mother is very judgemental of me with regards to my daughter because of all the changes she has had to endure in her life time. Now on the one hand is really upsets me because with everything that I have been through – I do not need her to judge me. On the other hand – why does it affect me so much and why does it upset me?? The true reason I believe is because I actually feel guilty about it – and that is why it affects me.

You see if I did not feel guilty then it wouldn’t really upset me – it goes back to the fact that the world mirrors you.

Its quite an interesting thought and definelty an opportunity to learn.

Another thing I just wanted to get out of my system because its been on my mind.

Isn’t it amazing how you can get so close to a person when your in a relationship and then Wham its over … and you both move on … why is that?? Why is it that people cannot be friends – and yes I know I am harping on the same point over and over again but it is obviously still bugging me on some level .. I suppose my initial response it EGO – I guess from both sides it is definetly an ego thing ... and probably has a hell of a lot to do with the fact that as humans we run very far away from pain …. We are so scared of it that we run very far. Also I suppose when you are in pain you cannot see clearly or think logically and then your mind will drive you mad with fantasies of getting back together and what could’ve, would’ve, should’ve happened. So in a way it does make sense … and the reality of the situation is that I suppose eventually time does heal …and it has gotten easier and easier … but still sometimes I feel the pang … and I feel the loss of a person I once knew … but then again … is that just perceived … or is it just a story you tell yourself???

I am u and u are me

I was thinking today about how we are all part of the same whole and I am u and u are me. There are a few ppl who just really irritate the crap out of me in my life - because they are weak, they are arrogant and they just ride me up the wrong way. One in particular is a person at work who constantly lies or tells half truths to cover their own behinds. This got me thinking on this concept about everyone ultimately being one and I tend to agree that the things we dont like in other people are just parts or ourselves that we have not yet learned to love. I am currently in a part of my life where I am learning to love and trust myself - a very difficult challenge since I am my harshest critic and I am my greatest judge. So in saying that - I am beginning to notice ppl that really annoy me, upset me and ppl like my daughter or my mother who frustrate me and I cannot deal with their emotional issues.

These are all in fact areas of my life, myself that I have not learned to love yet, I have not compeletey accepted. I mean, how can I truly be compassionate to anyone else if I do not show compassion and love for myself ...

I have been suffering for the last couple of years to come to terms with myself and my life, I have been in the depths of a painfull depression and through many years of blocking these emotions am beginning to reconnect with some of those emotions - this often makes me think of why I am going through all of this - why must I suffer - what is the purpose of all of this. In the times of my deepest darkest hour - I am consumed by all this pain and my mind is then filled with doubt and insecurity - I question my life and my purpose and i question myself. I read an interesting thing yesterday which makes alot of sense. Our pain is our teacher in our awakening - it teaches us compassion and love.

So through the pain we learn compassion.

I say through the pain because there really is no way to hide from it anymore and to ignore it anymore. It is there, it is sore .... and I must walk through this pain and awaken the compassion in me.

fluff

so i am sitting here listening to one of my favourite songs of all time : Father and Son by Cat Stevens. I suppose the reasons why it is my favourite songs it that it is just like a summary of life ... it is so reassuring and just reminded us to just relax and enjoy right now ... when he says its not time to make a change ... it is exactly where I am right now .... I keep getting reminded to just relax - a difficult concept because I have always been so ambitious - there is always something to do something to achieve ... somewhere out there ... moving forward, moving fast ... to achieve the next thing that is going to make me happy ... this has been my comfort for as long as i can remember ... just moving ... everytime I hit a low ... I would pick myself up by just finding a new focus a new goal and new distraction ... never really facing me - Claire .. the little girl inside who is so scared ... it makes me wonder about at what point in my life I became this girl ... this girl so full of pain ... now dont get me wrong .. I have made huge strides in terms of my healing but this poor little scared child is still there .... she still has so much to let go of .. she still has to let go and learn that she can trust ... that she will be okay ... but when did this happen, when event or events actually made this little girl so scared and alone ... when did she decide that she was not safe ...... what caused it.

Its a weird feeling ... I sat this morning feeling a bit under the weather for the past few days and extremely anxious - but i cannot put my finger on exactly what it is ... it seems like everytime I take a few steps forward ... there seems to be a block ...

I sat this morning and just quietened my mind and just felt my whole body .... and for a moment I just felt that i am actually okay ... everything is actually okay ... it felt good ... but then my mind takes over .... and although i am not connecting so much with my ego anymore and I am becoming more adept to recognise when my ego is creating the story ... but there is more ... there is definetly somehting more there ... there is defintley one last thing that needs to be released ....

the funny thing is that I have actually come a very long way in the last couple of months .... I know that and I acknowledge that .... and i so desperatley want it all to be over now ... I want to be fully okay ... I want to feel that peace all the time ..... but there is still more ... more to be released or at least acknowledged ... but what is it .....??????? Bring it on ..... I am ready to take it - I am ready to listen .....

I forgive you

I forgive you for not always being there for the people in your life
I forgive you for losing your temper
I forgive you for being selfish
I forgive you for breaking down
I forgive you for your resistance to the change in your life
I forgive you for being angry
I forgive you for crying
I forgive you for getting frustrated with your situation
I forgive you for letting people down
I forgive you for letting others suffer
I forgive you for not being perfect
I forgive you for berating yourself
I forgive you for being so hard on yourself
I forgive you for not being able to quieten your mind at times
I forgive you for caring too much
I forgive you for not being able to let go

Today I want to tell you that everything is going to be okay and I surround you will love and peace and nurturing because you need to be loved and you deserve to be loved and you are loved.

I want to tell you that you are indeed very blessed and know that no matter what you will always be loved and you will always be accepted just the way you are… and because of that there is really nothing to forgive … you are perfect just the way you are and even in times of struggle and pain … know that you are already forgiven and you are already loved and nurtured and you are never alone in your pain … its okay to feel pain, its okay to heal and its okay to let go. You are safe and you are loved.

The cost of nothing

I was on a website today looking at different courses and I came across a course that teaches people to do nothing … I was quite amused that the course cost R630 .. .and literally laughed out loud …. What have we come to that we need to take a course on how to do nothing and pay for it none the less.

Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the course and it will probably sell out, because the way we live now days we forget to do nothing … we forget to spend time outside and in nature … or laying in bed … simply doing nothing. When last did you actually sit and do nothing … and I mean NOTHING, no TV, no radio, no reading … just literally sit wherever you are and reconnect with who you are … listen to the sounds around you, feel all the sensations in your body, listen to yourself breath, feel your heartbeat …

I can tell you that it is an incredibly awesome experience the first time you do it … as you begin to awaken to how we all live our lives. From the moment we wake up in the morning – with our 3 cups of coffee and 5 smokes … to the moment our heads hit the pillow we are bombarded with images all around us and sounds and thoughts …. It is crazy … our heads become like whirl winds buzzing around all this information that we actually forget who we are …and one day we wake up with a big shock or a massive blow and realize that this is all FAKE. All this stuff is fake … we are literally living in the matrix.

One of the things that I seem to forget is this quiet time .. this alone time… the time to just be one with all that is … to breath, to feel, to listen. I know this now and thank-you to the universe for this reminder……

It is then that we truly connect with ourselves and we realize that in fact when we are our own best friends – life becomes more clear. It is then that we realize that we truly do have the answers inside of us … we can trust ourselves and we can enjoy bliss ….

Alone

A few weeks ago I was feeling really good ... like life was okay ... and I would be fine ... it seems that somewhere between then and now I have become lost again .... I sit here again in pain and doubt and I wonder if I will ever be able to breathe ... I wonder if I will ever be able to just let go of al this pain ... and hurt ... and anger .. and despair ...

I seem to get into this mood that no-one can really pull me out of ... its like I am heading downhill into a brick wall and I can't get myself to slow down...... until I eventually hit the dam brick wall and then its a case of picking up the pieces and starting all over again ... this seems to be a ongoing theme in my life .... over and over again ...

The more I try and relax and the more I try and just breathe and get my mind calmed down - the more I just keep going and going and going.

I have realised that again, I have not been putting myself first - and I mean that I have not been realy taking care of myself at all ... I have been ignoring myself in an attempt to take care of everyone around me .. why do I do this?? I know that it just spells danger and pain and heartache and yet I continue to get to this point over and over again .... and then go down down down until I hit rock bottom.

Hey, I suppose I am not Bi-polar for nothing ....LOL

There is just really something deep inside me that is pulling me down ... and I dont know what it is ... my whole life I have had this problem ... everytime I feel like I am making progress I get knocked down by this huge wave .... WHAM!!!! and then I retreat ... pick up the pieces and start again ....

Where are you little critters .....?????

I dont want to be angry anymore, I dont want to be sad, I dont want to be in this dark bottomless pit of despair ... I want to be free, I want love, I want peace .....


Help me please .............

The Klap

Okay so I had to give someone really special a klap the other day ... not physically but by just saying some really harsh things. It had to be done .....

I felt so bad afterwards, and I still do ... I knew he was hurting because he was holding on to something and he needed to let go ... so now he is really angry ... which is good in a way .... anger can be a really good emotion when you are stuck .... it can help at least get you out of desperation.

Sometimes when you try and help people in a candy coated sort of way ... it can help... you can slowly get them to move forward and become unstuck ... but sometimes when they are stuck in an endless whirlpool they need a klap to get out of it.

Anyway ... I just wanted to share that because i feel kak .... maybe I need a klap as well ... any volunteers??