Worry Worry Worry

I have come to realise that worry has nothing to do with the thing you are worried about, but more about a state of mind. I used to be, and still am on many levels - a little worrier. A curse that I have passed down to my daughter - poor thing.

Over the past couple of years, I have worried about everything from money and debt, my daughter, traffic, work, family, my weight, my looks, what everyone else thinks and blah de blah blah blah. You name it, I have worried about it, whether it had anything to do with me or not, whether I could control it or not, I worried about it.

I used to think that if I could just get this thing sorted out then I wouldnt need to worry anymore and everything would be fine. HA HA HA! I laugh at myself now as I type this. I would spend hours and hours solving problems until eventually I would have a miraculous answer to the problem and I would work hard at fixing it. Once it was fixed there would be a great sense of relief as now it was solved. But what happened after that ... a little while after the sense of relief had dissapeared a new BIG worry would come into play and the cycle would continue.

You see the things that you worry about constantly ALL THE TIME has really nothing to do with solving the problems or fixing everything. The reality of life is that you will always, always have problems, you will always have things that need sorting out and worrying about them actually does absolutley nothing except suck the life force out of you and stop you from enjoying your life right now.

Did you know that 90% of the things we worry about never happen ... so then why do we worry all the time?? It is fear, we fear the unknown and we fear that which we cannot control, so we try and get in control of the uncontrollable. Our mind takes over and starts to throw solutions at it and then you start having a full blown mental argument with yourself and attacking the solutions that your mind just threw at you.

The key is to get out of that state of worry though and how do we do that??

Get back into right now ... this is not an easy task though as when you are in that state of worry it is like you are in a trance. The only way out is to just acknowlede that you are really really worried about this and then get back to your task at hand. So if you are at work, give your job your full attention. If you are sitting around doing nothing, give your physical body and your breathing your full attention. Just focus on wherever you are right now and be WILLING to let it go.

Faith and Trust

I am currently faced with a massive change in my life and although I keep being told to trust and have faith - I am finding this excruciatingly difficult right now.

There is a strong part of me that really does not like this lack of control and this feeling of utter helplessness. I want to be able to control this situation, i want dates and plans and a list of what needs to be done. Is this not how we operate??

There is an immense panic happening as this big event draws nearer because in my mind I had played out what was going to happen in some type of sub conscious timeline and now everything has not fallen into place. So now what? I panic ... I get angry .. I get really really scared..what if I have made a mistake? What if what i thought would happen does not happen?? What then? I know I will be fine if this does not happen - but how do I know either way... its so dam frustrating.

I am in no-mans land right now - in between, stuck in the middle of nothingness with no direction. Perhaps that is the answer, I have no direction right now ... and maybe its because I am not meant to have direction... maybe I am meant to just stay put and wait and see ...grrrrrrr. I hate that ... it really does suck. Surely there should be some type of sign, surely the universe can grace me with some type of indication that everything is alright ... wait, it already has...

And yet, I still have this worrying feeling that things might collapse under me - but again its an illusion, its ego I guess. In the end everything will be okay. Its the bits in between that seem to get in the way. It the hours and hours spent worrying about something.

I keep being reminded to just stay in the now and everything will fall into place, but this constant nagging and worrying and this total feeling of helplessness sometimes gets the better of me.

So today I choose that these feelings of fear and worry do not consume my attention and rob me of my joy and I acknowledge that no amount of worrying and stressing and shouting and screaming will make anything happen any faster - all it does is literally rob me of the present and take me out of my place of joy and peace. It does not fit into the higher good who is me, who is you, who is all things.

Perspective

One of the most significant things I have learnt in my life is that everything is an illusion and how we view the world is all a matter of perspective. I have discussed this before but it seems to be popping up again at this moment in time.

There has been much said already about how 2 people can go through the exact same experience and view it in completely different ways. Other things like you can be so angry or upset with someone for hurting you and then 1 little fact can reveal itself and suddenly all that anger or hurt dissapears. The event did not change, just your perspective did.

I can choose my perspective as well - i can choose to look at someone calling me a bitch as a hurtful comment and allow it to eat into my self esteem or I can choose to look at as an attack and attack back or even better I can realise that if someone does not like me or what I have to say then it is really not my issue - it is their issue. They need to deal with it, I dont.

So again, we can choose to view the world how we want to view it .. its as simple as that.

What's changed??

Its been another rollercoaster couple of weeks and I haven’t really been inspired to write because I have been trying to figure it all out …

I am back together with my angel for reasons that I don’t understand. But that is another whole discussion – I have decided however, to trust my feelings and just go with it. No one truly knows what tomorrow brings and if there is one thing I have learnt over the past couple of months is that I need to allow things to happen and I need to follow the joy.

It has been strange though – I am still me, I am still the same person … but things have changed. I would say I have changed, but to be honest, I haven’t changed at all I have just become more comfortable with being me and I would say that I am finally starting to shine through… through all the clouds, the anger, the pain, the angst .. finally I am started to emerge and to trust that its okay to be me.

Still a challenge though and I find myself having to remind myself every now and again to relax and that I am safe and loved and that I can just be me. This however, is not very easy when you are dealing with old routines. Let me explain:

I believe that each experience that we have been through is stored in our memory, but not just as a memory, it has emotions attached, and it has an automatic reaction attached to it as well. So for example, if as a child you were told that sweets were bad for you and that every time you ate sweets, you were made to feel as though you were being naughty. Entrenched in your mind will always be that feeling of being naughty and guilt and you will react to it in a way that will either cause you to fear the guilt or love the feeling of being naughty. It can become quite complex.. But nevertheless – my point is that you have certain emotions and reactions attached to a situation until you learn to break the cycle.

I have noticed this quite a lot when I got back together with my angel and I went to his house the first time. It was like a flood of memories and emotions came back and although I was really happy to be there … I had to be fully aware and present of what was happening or I could have been completely sucked into the illusion. It was incredible, even certain smells triggered emotions. And going through the motions of our old routine, the things that used to bother me or make me irritable or resentful … I would actually notice that same feeling coming up … although I no longer had any reason to feel like that … for the first couple of days I kept noticing these old emotions surfacing… And after going through a lot of transformation over the past couple of months I was stumped by how these things still came up .. not nearly as intensely though .. but they served their purpose. So I decided to just stay fully aware on not react to anything …just watch it all and allow myself to silently witness all this stuff as it came up.

It took me a good few days for these feelings and thoughts to flow through, and I had to consciously at times acknowledge that this was not real and allow it to pass. I eventually did a house clearing which actually helped a lot and lifted a lot of the old stuck emotions in the house … and also helped me to release a lot of the old stuck emotions.

As we go through all this again, it is somehow different through. I have definitely noticed a completely different person or connection between us. Its weird though, at times we relate to each other on a purely human level, man to woman. Mind to mind, ego to ego and there is a very strong connection.. but there is this deeper level, this connection to soul. At times I look at him and I see a young boy, I see his innocence and his purity. At times I see him as a man, strong and independent. At times I see him as a divine being – radiating with love and surrounded by pure white light.

On all these levels we connect, although at times we oscillate between all of these. At times I am also all three and sometimes we are on the same levels, sometimes we are on different levels and all of these have different dynamics attached to them. But each one is amazing and I am so enjoying this intense feeling of divine love between us right now.

It is just incredible to witness and incredible to experience. There are also of course times when we don’t quite connect, when perhaps we are on different levels and we don’t radiate at the same frequency and we tend to be on different wave lengths … but even that in its pure essence is incredible to witness. It just gives such insight to us as human beings and as divine beings.

Say what??

Okay so first off, I was watching Oprah the other day and she mentioned on live TV in front of the entire world that she was depressed. hellelulia!!!!!!

I have no idea why as soon as she said that I burst into tears.

Maybe it was because she is this really rich woman, who comes accross as always being in control or at least having tons and tons of people all around her all the time who can help her, guide her - carry her if necessary. And because I have always had this perception of her being happy and at peace .. another perfect picture.

Maybe it was a case of just actually breaking another illusion down completely or maybe it was because i can relate to how she was feeling. The number one reason for her entire depression was because she never took care of herself .. she never made time for herself and she never put herself first ... and that is exactly it ... ALL OF IT!

When we take the time to take care of ourselves and connecting with ourselves - everything else seems to make more sense. When take the time to show love for ourselves - things are easier, priorities become obvious and our true self comes shining through.

So how do we do this practically though - how do you love yourself, how do you show yourself the same respect you would to another person, with the same energy you would for a child??

Start first off by asking yourself this one question:

WHAT DO I WANT ??

When I first asked myself this question - it was really quite messed up that i could not even answer it. It scared this @#$% out of me more than anything else, because in truth - I had no idea what I wanted. No cooking clue.....

Then I stared thinking about all the things I wanted - like i wanted to nice happy fun job, I wanted to be a good mom, I wanted to be debt free, I wanted all this stuff ... but when i looked at it and asked why ... why do I want all these things??? Because I think they will make me happy, because then everything will be fine .... and it dawned on me that although these were all nice and everything - what would happen if I dont get these things ... does that mean I am doomed to be unhappy. Is life really that volatile - there must be more ....

So the next thing that came up was that I want hapiness - I want to be completely and utterly happy with my life. Okay, so what do I need to do to get happy?? So I did some research and looked at all this stuff about "GET HAPPY NOW" and did a whole lot of stuff to make myself happy. Including affirmations, self help books and a whole host of other stuff... and with all this searching for hapiness - i was the most unhappy I have ever been in my entire life. So what was I doing wrong?? Why cant I do this? Why cant I just be happy?

Eventually in the midst of a very bad depression, I realised that hapiness is just an illusion. There is not one single real person I know who is happy all the time. It is just not reality .... It may be a harsh reality - but it is the reality.

After much suffering, I finally realised that what I truly wanted in all of this was actually peace - an overall calm feelng that everything was going to be okay. No matter what ... and so my journey began.

So today, I challenge you:

What is it that you want??

The illusions we create

We have this image of who we should be and we act it out continuously. It is actually quite a strange phenomenon if you think of it but in reality it is where we think we are quite comfortable. But again, as with everything it is all an illusion and the absolute number one reason why we keep being disappointed with life and ourselves and for me the number one reason why I get crashing.

For example, as mother I want to be this perfect, loving, caring, always patient mother. Who cares for my daughter all the time and only has love to give her. I see myself playing games with her, teaching her things, giving her loads of hugs and ensuring that she grows up to be this perfectly well balanced individual. So what happens when I am too tired to play a game with her, or I loose my temper with her or she does not grow up to be a well balanced individual – my whole illusion is shattered and what follows is complete and utter disappointment because my expectations of how things should be were not met. So I pick myself up, put myself down (by saying next time I will do better) and then I move on in the hope that I can still hang onto this illusion and “achieve” this perfect image of who I should be as a mother until once again my illusion is shattered and we are back at square one.

Another example, I am the perfect wife/husband or whatever. I can take care of the family, I can cook dinner, do the washing, the ironing – always be smiling and happy and always being the support structure. In bed I am a sex goddess and always please my man. So what happens when my man is too tired for sex??? What happens when I physically cannot do all the washing, ironing, cooking? What happens when I am have had a really crappy day at work … my illusion is shattered again. And again the blame game begins because I did not live up to this perfect image.

So am I saying that you should not have any expectation or any perfect images??? ABSOLUTLEY!!!!

The reality is that any image we create will be “perfect” – it is imagination after all – have you ever imagined yourself or anyone else as less than perfect???

But the question is how do we do this? How do we do this practically?? Can we really live without any expectation? What about all this positive stuff coming out of the woodwork over the past few years – “imagine yourself as you wish to be”. I say a big FAT BS!!!! Rubbish, absolute rubbish.

I say lets drop all the stuff that we are expected to be fully embrace and accept that we are exactly as we are. I am not the perfect mother, I am not the perfect friend, I am most certainly not the perfect wife and even in my “role” as a healer – I am by no means the perfect spiritual person – I am me, good and bad. I have good days, I have bad days. I have just as many “bad” characters as I do “good”.