Bits and bobs

fucking bullshit

2009-04-09T18:01:00.002+02:00

Life is a bunch of fucking bullshit .......

and that sums it all up in a nutshell .... I am so sick and tired of waiting and sick and tired of life not working out. Faith is a fucking joke really .... I have no money no job and no fucking purpose right now.

So what is the lesson in all this fucking shit ... because according to the so called "experts" everything has a lesson ... well right now the lesson screaming loud and clear is that LIFE FUCKING SUCKS!!!!! MY LIFE SUCKS!!!!

Gratitude ... ha ha ha ha !!!!! I am so grateful for my daughter, grateful for my family, grateful for having food, grateful for having a roof over my head, grateful for having pretty good health ...

I am not grateful for my life right now ... and to be honest if it was taken away tomorrow .... i could not give a dam .... ... I am tired of struggling to get to where I want to be, actually I am tired of struggle to breath, struggling to live, not having money, not being able to fulfill my so called fucking path ... what path ....

Where are my angels and my guides .... where is GOD!!! What the hell did I do so wrong in my life. Yes, we create our realities .... yes I get that .... but what did I do so badly to deserve such pain .... such loss.... such angst .... such anger ... its all a big fat fucking cosmic joke ....
I read these motivational books and positive thinking stuff and I feel sick to my stomach .... I want to VOMIT!!!!! SPEW all over the pages of this bullshit ... its easy to sit on a fucking perch when you life is amazing and write about all this positive shit ... its easy to sit there and think positive thoughts when you are living through a positive situation ... tell that shit to a mother who just lost a child, tell that to a person who just lost their house .... tell that positive shit to someone who lost everything .... ITS A BUNCH OF CRAP BULLSHIT!

So fuck it all, fuck all this shit ..... fuck fuck fuck .......

Where you been?

2009-03-19T15:22:00.002+02:00

Well I havent written in a while and its been a hectic couple of months. Today I thought I would break the ice and write something short and sweet. The last time I posted I had this plan to go to Cyprus where everything in my mind would magically happen and everything would miraculously sort itself out ... BIG FAT LMAO!!!!

Since then I am no longer going to Cyprus and since I am not working, I have been keeping myself busy renovating the house, painting and all that stuff in preparation for starting my own healing practice. Am still waiting for some money to come in, which will help get things set up. But above everything else, I am learning to take things one day at a time. Every time things get too much, I seem to get this peak of emotions and feel a little depressed, I have discovered this to be my higher self's way of forcing me to just slow down and take a back step.

Things are slow and some days feel a little difficult to get through, but hey, at the end of the day, if I look at where I was 6 months ago to where I am now ... BIG Difference. I just have to keep bringing myself back into the present and just focus on one day at a time, one moment at a time and just relax and learn to let go.

That is all ...

The journey

2009-02-02T17:08:00.002+02:00

Freak ....

Currently I am a little freaked out because nothing seems to be working according to this plan that I have made in my little head. And that scares me alot on the one hand because it is a pattern that has been created over many years, that everything needs to have a plan. But then again, on the other hand it does have a certain ring of true freedom as this allows life to flow.

So now what ...

I quit my job, which I would have done anyway, to pursue my true path of healing. My intention was to take a trip to Cyprus and there I was meant to learn alot of new things and have some much needed time off ..

Now the trip has been put on hold .... grrrrrrrr .......... on one hand it freaks me out because everything was centred around this and now I have no idea what is coming next. But on the other hand, deep down inside, I have this feeling that I am not alone and that I will be supported immensely going forward. I just need to relax, take some time off and see what happens. The problem is that the mind needs to have a plan ... so my mind is going a little busy right now coming up with solutions and that is all fine and well - because that is what the mind is meant to be doing. I also have a feeling that this is part of some type of training on trusting my intuition and letting it guide me on what to do next - so I truly and really just need to let go and follow my instinct. So lets see where this goes to... I have so many questions - but have no idea where to begin... for now though, I guess the goal is to just allow. To let life flow and to keep an open mind.

mmmmmm ... what to do, what to do ....

Nothing .. do nothing...unless I am inspired to do something ... that is all ...

Worry Worry Worry

2009-01-29T15:00:00.002+02:00

I have come to realise that worry has nothing to do with the thing you are worried about, but more about a state of mind. I used to be, and still am on many levels - a little worrier. A curse that I have passed down to my daughter - poor thing.

Over the past couple of years, I have worried about everything from money and debt, my daughter, traffic, work, family, my weight, my looks, what everyone else thinks and blah de blah blah blah. You name it, I have worried about it, whether it had anything to do with me or not, whether I could control it or not, I worried about it.

I used to think that if I could just get this thing sorted out then I wouldnt need to worry anymore and everything would be fine. HA HA HA! I laugh at myself now as I type this. I would spend hours and hours solving problems until eventually I would have a miraculous answer to the problem and I would work hard at fixing it. Once it was fixed there would be a great sense of relief as now it was solved. But what happened after that ... a little while after the sense of relief had dissapeared a new BIG worry would come into play and the cycle would continue.

You see the things that you worry about constantly ALL THE TIME has really nothing to do with solving the problems or fixing everything. The reality of life is that you will always, always have problems, you will always have things that need sorting out and worrying about them actually does absolutley nothing except suck the life force out of you and stop you from enjoying your life right now.

Did you know that 90% of the things we worry about never happen ... so then why do we worry all the time?? It is fear, we fear the unknown and we fear that which we cannot control, so we try and get in control of the uncontrollable. Our mind takes over and starts to throw solutions at it and then you start having a full blown mental argument with yourself and attacking the solutions that your mind just threw at you.

The key is to get out of that state of worry though and how do we do that??

Get back into right now ... this is not an easy task though as when you are in that state of worry it is like you are in a trance. The only way out is to just acknowlede that you are really really worried about this and then get back to your task at hand. So if you are at work, give your job your full attention. If you are sitting around doing nothing, give your physical body and your breathing your full attention. Just focus on wherever you are right now and be WILLING to let it go.

Faith and Trust

2009-01-28T11:59:00.002+02:00

I am currently faced with a massive change in my life and although I keep being told to trust and have faith - I am finding this excruciatingly difficult right now.

There is a strong part of me that really does not like this lack of control and this feeling of utter helplessness. I want to be able to control this situation, i want dates and plans and a list of what needs to be done. Is this not how we operate??

There is an immense panic happening as this big event draws nearer because in my mind I had played out what was going to happen in some type of sub conscious timeline and now everything has not fallen into place. So now what? I panic ... I get angry .. I get really really scared..what if I have made a mistake? What if what i thought would happen does not happen?? What then? I know I will be fine if this does not happen - but how do I know either way... its so dam frustrating.

I am in no-mans land right now - in between, stuck in the middle of nothingness with no direction. Perhaps that is the answer, I have no direction right now ... and maybe its because I am not meant to have direction... maybe I am meant to just stay put and wait and see ...grrrrrrr. I hate that ... it really does suck. Surely there should be some type of sign, surely the universe can grace me with some type of indication that everything is alright ... wait, it already has...

And yet, I still have this worrying feeling that things might collapse under me - but again its an illusion, its ego I guess. In the end everything will be okay. Its the bits in between that seem to get in the way. It the hours and hours spent worrying about something.

I keep being reminded to just stay in the now and everything will fall into place, but this constant nagging and worrying and this total feeling of helplessness sometimes gets the better of me.

So today I choose that these feelings of fear and worry do not consume my attention and rob me of my joy and I acknowledge that no amount of worrying and stressing and shouting and screaming will make anything happen any faster - all it does is literally rob me of the present and take me out of my place of joy and peace. It does not fit into the higher good who is me, who is you, who is all things.

Perspective

2009-01-27T12:36:00.002+02:00

One of the most significant things I have learnt in my life is that everything is an illusion and how we view the world is all a matter of perspective. I have discussed this before but it seems to be popping up again at this moment in time.

There has been much said already about how 2 people can go through the exact same experience and view it in completely different ways. Other things like you can be so angry or upset with someone for hurting you and then 1 little fact can reveal itself and suddenly all that anger or hurt dissapears. The event did not change, just your perspective did.

I can choose my perspective as well - i can choose to look at someone calling me a bitch as a hurtful comment and allow it to eat into my self esteem or I can choose to look at as an attack and attack back or even better I can realise that if someone does not like me or what I have to say then it is really not my issue - it is their issue. They need to deal with it, I dont.

So again, we can choose to view the world how we want to view it .. its as simple as that.

What's changed??

2009-01-26T11:46:00.001+02:00

Its been another rollercoaster couple of weeks and I haven’t really been inspired to write because I have been trying to figure it all out …

I am back together with my angel for reasons that I don’t understand. But that is another whole discussion – I have decided however, to trust my feelings and just go with it. No one truly knows what tomorrow brings and if there is one thing I have learnt over the past couple of months is that I need to allow things to happen and I need to follow the joy.

It has been strange though – I am still me, I am still the same person … but things have changed. I would say I have changed, but to be honest, I haven’t changed at all I have just become more comfortable with being me and I would say that I am finally starting to shine through… through all the clouds, the anger, the pain, the angst .. finally I am started to emerge and to trust that its okay to be me.

Still a challenge though and I find myself having to remind myself every now and again to relax and that I am safe and loved and that I can just be me. This however, is not very easy when you are dealing with old routines. Let me explain:

I believe that each experience that we have been through is stored in our memory, but not just as a memory, it has emotions attached, and it has an automatic reaction attached to it as well. So for example, if as a child you were told that sweets were bad for you and that every time you ate sweets, you were made to feel as though you were being naughty. Entrenched in your mind will always be that feeling of being naughty and guilt and you will react to it in a way that will either cause you to fear the guilt or love the feeling of being naughty. It can become quite complex.. But nevertheless – my point is that you have certain emotions and reactions attached to a situation until you learn to break the cycle.

I have noticed this quite a lot when I got back together with my angel and I went to his house the first time. It was like a flood of memories and emotions came back and although I was really happy to be there … I had to be fully aware and present of what was happening or I could have been completely sucked into the illusion. It was incredible, even certain smells triggered emotions. And going through the motions of our old routine, the things that used to bother me or make me irritable or resentful … I would actually notice that same feeling coming up … although I no longer had any reason to feel like that … for the first couple of days I kept noticing these old emotions surfacing… And after going through a lot of transformation over the past couple of months I was stumped by how these things still came up .. not nearly as intensely though .. but they served their purpose. So I decided to just stay fully aware on not react to anything …just watch it all and allow myself to silently witness all this stuff as it came up.

It took me a good few days for these feelings and thoughts to flow through, and I had to consciously at times acknowledge that this was not real and allow it to pass. I eventually did a house clearing which actually helped a lot and lifted a lot of the old stuck emotions in the house … and also helped me to release a lot of the old stuck emotions.

As we go through all this again, it is somehow different through. I have definitely noticed a completely different person or connection between us. Its weird though, at times we relate to each other on a purely human level, man to woman. Mind to mind, ego to ego and there is a very strong connection.. but there is this deeper level, this connection to soul. At times I look at him and I see a young boy, I see his innocence and his purity. At times I see him as a man, strong and independent. At times I see him as a divine being – radiating with love and surrounded by pure white light.

On all these levels we connect, although at times we oscillate between all of these. At times I am also all three and sometimes we are on the same levels, sometimes we are on different levels and all of these have different dynamics attached to them. But each one is amazing and I am so enjoying this intense feeling of divine love between us right now.

It is just incredible to witness and incredible to experience. There are also of course times when we don’t quite connect, when perhaps we are on different levels and we don’t radiate at the same frequency and we tend to be on different wave lengths … but even that in its pure essence is incredible to witness. It just gives such insight to us as human beings and as divine beings.

Say what??

2009-01-08T13:23:00.002+02:00

Okay so first off, I was watching Oprah the other day and she mentioned on live TV in front of the entire world that she was depressed. hellelulia!!!!!!

I have no idea why as soon as she said that I burst into tears.

Maybe it was because she is this really rich woman, who comes accross as always being in control or at least having tons and tons of people all around her all the time who can help her, guide her - carry her if necessary. And because I have always had this perception of her being happy and at peace .. another perfect picture.

Maybe it was a case of just actually breaking another illusion down completely or maybe it was because i can relate to how she was feeling. The number one reason for her entire depression was because she never took care of herself .. she never made time for herself and she never put herself first ... and that is exactly it ... ALL OF IT!

When we take the time to take care of ourselves and connecting with ourselves - everything else seems to make more sense. When take the time to show love for ourselves - things are easier, priorities become obvious and our true self comes shining through.

So how do we do this practically though - how do you love yourself, how do you show yourself the same respect you would to another person, with the same energy you would for a child??

Start first off by asking yourself this one question:

WHAT DO I WANT ??

When I first asked myself this question - it was really quite messed up that i could not even answer it. It scared this @#$% out of me more than anything else, because in truth - I had no idea what I wanted. No cooking clue.....

Then I stared thinking about all the things I wanted - like i wanted to nice happy fun job, I wanted to be a good mom, I wanted to be debt free, I wanted all this stuff ... but when i looked at it and asked why ... why do I want all these things??? Because I think they will make me happy, because then everything will be fine .... and it dawned on me that although these were all nice and everything - what would happen if I dont get these things ... does that mean I am doomed to be unhappy. Is life really that volatile - there must be more ....

So the next thing that came up was that I want hapiness - I want to be completely and utterly happy with my life. Okay, so what do I need to do to get happy?? So I did some research and looked at all this stuff about "GET HAPPY NOW" and did a whole lot of stuff to make myself happy. Including affirmations, self help books and a whole host of other stuff... and with all this searching for hapiness - i was the most unhappy I have ever been in my entire life. So what was I doing wrong?? Why cant I do this? Why cant I just be happy?

Eventually in the midst of a very bad depression, I realised that hapiness is just an illusion. There is not one single real person I know who is happy all the time. It is just not reality .... It may be a harsh reality - but it is the reality.

After much suffering, I finally realised that what I truly wanted in all of this was actually peace - an overall calm feelng that everything was going to be okay. No matter what ... and so my journey began.

So today, I challenge you:

What is it that you want??

The illusions we create

2009-01-06T10:51:00.001+02:00

We have this image of who we should be and we act it out continuously. It is actually quite a strange phenomenon if you think of it but in reality it is where we think we are quite comfortable. But again, as with everything it is all an illusion and the absolute number one reason why we keep being disappointed with life and ourselves and for me the number one reason why I get crashing.

For example, as mother I want to be this perfect, loving, caring, always patient mother. Who cares for my daughter all the time and only has love to give her. I see myself playing games with her, teaching her things, giving her loads of hugs and ensuring that she grows up to be this perfectly well balanced individual. So what happens when I am too tired to play a game with her, or I loose my temper with her or she does not grow up to be a well balanced individual – my whole illusion is shattered and what follows is complete and utter disappointment because my expectations of how things should be were not met. So I pick myself up, put myself down (by saying next time I will do better) and then I move on in the hope that I can still hang onto this illusion and “achieve” this perfect image of who I should be as a mother until once again my illusion is shattered and we are back at square one.

Another example, I am the perfect wife/husband or whatever. I can take care of the family, I can cook dinner, do the washing, the ironing – always be smiling and happy and always being the support structure. In bed I am a sex goddess and always please my man. So what happens when my man is too tired for sex??? What happens when I physically cannot do all the washing, ironing, cooking? What happens when I am have had a really crappy day at work … my illusion is shattered again. And again the blame game begins because I did not live up to this perfect image.

So am I saying that you should not have any expectation or any perfect images??? ABSOLUTLEY!!!!

The reality is that any image we create will be “perfect” – it is imagination after all – have you ever imagined yourself or anyone else as less than perfect???

But the question is how do we do this? How do we do this practically?? Can we really live without any expectation? What about all this positive stuff coming out of the woodwork over the past few years – “imagine yourself as you wish to be”. I say a big FAT BS!!!! Rubbish, absolute rubbish.

I say lets drop all the stuff that we are expected to be fully embrace and accept that we are exactly as we are. I am not the perfect mother, I am not the perfect friend, I am most certainly not the perfect wife and even in my “role” as a healer – I am by no means the perfect spiritual person – I am me, good and bad. I have good days, I have bad days. I have just as many “bad” characters as I do “good”.

I remember

2008-12-22T19:48:00.000+02:00

The memories of what we had have been causing me immense pain, I cannot understand why I keep feeling this deep sense of loss and pain. Today I have the inspiration to let it all out – but not feel the pain – instead feel the intense gratitude for what we shared.

I remember small things like sharing the love for peanut butter sandwiches. I remember watching you play baseball and feeling so proud of my man as he fulfilled his passion. I remember watching you in that cute little uniform and I remember your face, your smile and you love for baseball. Your pride as you talked about all the memories of your passion – how you were so proud of yourself for what you had achieved – and your passion and your love warmed my heart – it was so good to be part of your life and your passion.

I remember coming home after a tough day at work and looking forward to being in your arms – I remember that I used to actually feel irritated when you weren’t there ….LOL! Because then I would have to wait for you to get home.

I remember the look in your eyes as you made love to me – our bodies intertwined, my legs wrapped around you. I remember sharing that passion as our spirits merged for that moment. That look in your eyes – it was beautiful.

I remember when I was feeling really low – how you put me to bed and told me to go and sleep – that I deserved it. I remember you running me a bath with candles in the bathroom – you spoiled me. I remember how you helped me to believe that I do deserve to take care of myself and I do deserve to be taken care of.

I remember how you were so amazing when I had my car accident – you just took such good care of me – with such passion and such love. You wrapped your arms around me and completely took over the situation. I remember I felt so loved and so taken care of in the midst of all the chaos.

I remember how you looked at me from across a room full of people and I felt like you saw me, you connected with me and you loved me, I loved that look.

I remember how you kept telling me over and over to take things one day at a time, or even one minute at a time and for the first time in my life I learned to listen to someone else, really listen and take their advice.

I remember the puppies – the love you had for them, little PJ and Morgan – the light in your eyes as you gave them your love – it was incredible connection – and I remember witnessing your love for them.

I remember how kind you were to Kayla - and amidst all the chaos you found patience for her and you showed her love.

I remember how you took us into your life and allowed us to turn it upside down – without even a flinch or a worry. You just let it all in.

I remember lying with you on the bed for hours on end listening to music and feeling the passion for the music.

I remember Durban, I remember that feeling of being found again after all that pain. I remember lying at the pool, joking around, I remember my flip flops and kayla’s boogie board, I remember the walks to the beach, I remember your love and I remember my love and that feeling of being re-united.

I remember the happiness and joy of watching you climb the rock wall. The walking around, the tenpin bowling.

I remember arriving, the nervousness – my mind was racing – my heart was pounding. I remember the leaving, the sadness – perhaps somewhere deep down we both knew that that was goodbye….

I remember my ecstacy on my birthday as I saw my golf clubs. I remember going to the driving range with you. I remember how proud I was to be yours. They sit in my room right now and it hurts every time I think of going to play. It hurts for some reason it hurts.

I remember the Waterfront – we went their on Sunday – and all the memories flooded back in – I remember smiling intensely from deep within my soul as we walked through the waterfront – as we watched the skaters.

I remember the loss I felt when you weren’t around. I remember the abandonment I felt every time you left for baseball.

You re-awakened my passion for life, my passion for love, my passion for everything.

I suppose I cannot really explain in logical way or any way that the mind will be satisfied with – why something that brought us both so much joy and love and passion had to end. The only thing to say is that I needed to heal – it was time.

I can however, revel in the beauty of what we had and all the memories of all of it. And I am so eternally grateful for all that we had and all that we experienced together. So as once I was afraid of the memories – I now welcome them in each day because it is a reminder of the beauty and love and it brings joy and gratitude for everything that I got to experience with you. It was like you refreshed me, our relationship, you, the love and the passion, awakened something in me that had been sleeping and I am really so grateful for everything that you and I had together – the whole thing – the good, the bad, the ugly, the magnificent beauty of it all. Nothing in life is always perfect - nothing lasts forever, everything changes, but what remains after all the pain and the loss and the hurt is gratitude and love – pure unconditional love for all of life’s experiences. And if everything happens for a reason and right now I must come up with a reason, I think that this happened, the whole thing to teach me that even through the greatest pain and the greatest loss – there is beauty, there is love. I read something so true the other day … time doesn’t heal, love does – and I think I couldn’t agree more.

So with that ….thank-you for everything, for every moment of love and every moment of pain, because even pain is beautiful, it means we are alive – it means that we are still breathing, we are still feeling, we are still alive and we can still take one day at a time and find joy, even in pain.

And to you again, I say that I am sending you all my love and blessings and I wish you all the love that the world has to offer. Keep finding your joy and keep living your passion and always always be truly and inspirationally grateful.

Brilliant

2008-12-19T15:14:00.000+02:00

I've Learned...
From Andy Rooney

This was written by Andy Rooney a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy........

I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned...
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned ...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

My Addiction

2008-12-16T14:17:00.000+02:00

I would never have imagined that breaking up with someone would be so hard. I mean, yes I knew it would be hard, but I never expected it to take so damn long to get over someone. Why is this??

I was thinking the other day about when you fall in love with someone, you become addicted to them, totally. That is why the initial feeling of being in love is so magical. Its like being high on some type of hallucinogenic drug. Everything is new and amazing and since you are both so high, you naturally pump each other up even more (excuse the pun here …LOL). This is the reality of it all.

So when things don’t work out – you are naturally going on an intense detox and are going to go through massive withdrawal symptoms.

I know this may sound really simple, but it is true – you have spent months, weeks and sometimes years being addicted to this person or this feeling of love and romance and having someone acknowledge and love and care for you. It is very potent stuff.

Sometimes though you have spent a really long time being resentful and this ironically helps you to get over this addiction, because mentally, in your mind you have been unconsciously preparing yourself for this .. its like a slow process of coming off this drug.

Other times, you find out that your partner has betrayed you and wham you get this big fat shock … and then you end the relationship and you have to deal with no longer having your drug and a struggle with your self as you question your worthiness. So this is probably one of the hardest ways to end an addiction …definitely the equivalent of stopping heroin cold turkey …. I recon it could definitely kill you if you allow it to….

Back to original point – I have generally always gone from one relationship into another – so I guess that maybe that is why this time is so difficult – there is no one else. I have chosen it this way, because right now in my life I need to do this part of my journey on my own. But it just keeps striking at me that this is really hard.

I mean the first few weeks were hell – literally I recon that if hell existed – when you lose someone you love – this is definitely a taste of hell.. Your whole world literally falls apart – you cannot breathe in and when you do manage to put the cigarettes down for five minutes and actually manage to take a deep breathe – you lungs decide that its about time they close the exit valve and so you cannot breathe out.

Your heart feels like if it was to get any more pain – it could literally explode or emplode or something and all that would be left would be a shriveled up piece of wet and soggy charcoal.

Okay okay – enough about that … I could write a book about that … hey now there is an idea ….LOL!

Back on track here ….

So this was probably my hardest break up EVER! And although I am having really good days now – I still have these days where I am very low and I miss him so dam much. Just makes me think – once and addict always and addict.

So my point to this long post is that I have given up a really potent drug and this man that I loved so much is this drug and so I suppose that its okay to have withdrawal symptoms every now and again … and that I need to allow them to come up and allow them to pass……..

Where did they go?

2008-12-09T15:48:00.002+02:00

I have moved my writing (poetry) to different page - check it out:

http://ritingrandom.blogspot.com/

Let the light shine

2008-12-09T11:20:00.002+02:00

When are we as people going to realize that we no longer need to steal power from each other. We no longer need to take, we no longer need to squash, we no longer need to step on others to get to the top.

Look at how the flowers grow – they all put their chests out and bathe in the light, each one taking its energy from the sun. Proudly glowing the suck up the rays of the sun and use these rays to grow, to blossom to shine. They do not need to trample on each other to reach the sun first, or to get the most sun. Does the sun not shine absolutely – so that each being that wants to bathe in the light, can absorb its goodness, its light, its warmth.

The time has come for each of us to stand proudly and bathe in light, accept its glow and allow it into our being – so that we too can use its energy to grow and to blossom and to shine. No longer do we need to kill and maimed each other for power – the power is within us, the power is around us.

Bathe in this light, take it all in and when your light shines so brightly that you wish to explode, share that light with those around you so that they too can find their way to the light.

Let us stand together as people of the light and let hold hands together and allow the light to work through us, shine through us and build a better world, a new world. A worlds of love and world of peace. Where each of us can shine as bright as the sun and together we can light up the world and bring peace and love to each and every being that shares this enchanted planet with us.

Live in the light! Live in the Love!

Being Helped

2008-12-04T15:49:00.002+02:00

I had a thought earlier on that i wanted to write down before I loose it as its seems important ...

I have this issue with being helped and accepting help and not for any other reason as I have always had this need or this belief that being able to do things on my own means that I am a stronger better person ... I am learning to let go of this - however, in saying this - we are all part of the same source - we all have spiritual guides who agree to guide us in this life ... so all the time in my life before I believed this was true - it was true anyway. In other words, it did not take me believing in it for it to be real.

So all the time when I thought I was doing things on my own - I actually never was - I have always been helped and I have always been divinely guided - I just never really acknowledged where it came from ...mmmm .....

Very interesting thought - am definetly going to ponder on this one some more ....I feel a bit of an awakening coming on here ..... :-)

What a briliant post .....

2008-12-04T11:09:00.001+02:00

http://wellbeingandhealth.net/relationships/divorce-is-a-good-choice-too/

Trapped

2008-12-04T10:02:00.001+02:00

I keep coming back to this same theme for some reason – I guess I am exploring the many ways this is so true.

We are all wardens in a prison, we all keep this prisoner tightly locked up so that they can never escape. Who is this prisoner? YOU are …

There are so many ways we keep ourselves prisoners, we feel stuck, we feel trapped, we feel alone, cold, we feel scared and the only thing we really have to do is unlock ourselves from the prison – WE HOLD THE KEY!

At the moment I am dealing with being locked in self protection – I am so scared of being hurt that I have created a wall around my heart to protect it. It is well covered and tightly snug there – so that no-one can enter into it and no-one can cause me pain. The irony is that while my heart is so wrapped up and “safe” – it is dark and it is cold and the light cannot come in.

At the same time as I am protecting myself from the harm that may or may not happen I am blocking the light, I am blocking love from coming in. By this I don’t mean romantic love – I mean love from all sources around me. The smile of a child, the beauty of a flower, that first breath of fresh air in the morning, a mothers love, a fathers care, a sisters hugs. All these things are being blocked.

Yes there is pain out there and yes, each time we open our hearts we risk feeling the pain of our past – the hurt, the anguish, the loss – but if we close ourselves off we also risk the other side of pain, which is love, beauty, joy, bliss.

I speak from my experience here, when I say that on the other side of pain is love but to get to that love we need to walk through the pain. We need to acknowledge the pain and we need to love ourselves so much through this. Pain is there to teach us – to help us learn to love ourselves more. To learn compassion for ourselves. To treat ourselves as we would a crying child – hug ourselves, love ourselves, treat ourselves well, spoil ourselves and allow ourselves to be loved by those around us. Our mothers, our fathers, our sisters and our friends.

We need to take a moment to be comforted by ourselves and those around us and to walk through this pain. Then we need to learn that we can get through pain – and that once we have walked through the pain, our hearts will be renewed and refreshed and will flow once again with love – Divine love, but we need to keep our hearts open and be willing to allow the love of the divine into our hearts and allow it to overflow – IT WILL!

To my very special friend who is going through the same thing as me right now and I truly hope he reads this and takes this to heart.

Today today today ....

2008-11-18T11:51:00.000+02:00

I wanted to write today but I really had no topic in mind … so let look at where I am at right now.

Yesterday was a very bad day – I was down and angry which eventually led to feelings of despair and doubt.

I am still battling to actually deal with these emotions and I still have very down days. I question why all the time. I have made the decision to follow my path and there are supposed to be great things happening to me then why am I still going through these things. It is difficult to explain what happens to me when I go through this – it kind of feels like I am infected with an unknown illness. My emotions consume my entire being and I cannot function – I cannot think clearly and I end up going down into a spiral until it eventually it explodes and then there is calm. It is very debilitating because even normal day to day functions become difficult and sometimes even impossible. It is strange through because ppl around you cannot help you, it is something that you have to just ride … ride the wave …. Until things reach a certain point and then something happens and everything settles down.

My most recent episode was yesterday – although I started feeling it on Sunday already .. .but tried to use positive thinking to let it pass … evidently that did not work …LOL! Sometimes these episodes last for hours – sometimes for days. I don’t know at this stage how to speed up the process or exactly what causes things to change. I do know that by resisting it – it becomes worse and more drawn out.

The difficult thing in all of this is how is does affect ppl around me – these days I tend to try and keep quiet and not react – this is very difficult because in a way I am keeping the anger in – but at the same time I realize that my emotions are extremely highly charged and a small little thing can get completely our of proportion – so its best as far as possible to just keep quiet and just let things pass.

It does pass eventually – I know this.

I am doing better though – I realized that I have stopped putting myself down and I have stopped blaming myself – which is a good thing … I have realized that I have no control over these emotions and I did not ask for them – so it is really not my fault – and I am still a good person.

This journey is a difficult one right now and I need to take it one day at a time, and take baby steps … slowly up the hill. Hopefully when I get to the top of the hill I will be able to see more clearly as to why all this has been necessary to my journey. There is still a lot of pain in here that needs to come out and I still constantly look for answers or understanding. I am not alone right now – although sometimes it feels like it - as there is no one that completely understands what I am going through and even when I try to explain to people that I care about – they do not understand – they try to … but they don’t. I do not blame them – I realize that this is not their journey and they cannot walk this path with me.

So for now – this is where I am at. There are people that I must leave behind – and this is also hard. But it is necessary – it is my path.

I keep thinking about great people like Joan of Arc – what did they have to endure for their path – I mean she could have just ignored the voice of “God” and carried on her merry life – but then what would that life have been like?? Would she have been happy?? Or would she have struggled?? Once she decided to take the path – it was not easy at all and she had a lot of suffering and pain. And in the end to go through all of that and to be labeled a witch …. But it was her path……

How much of what we think is free will is actually free will …. I mean we come on this plain to achieve something … we are told we have free will - and yes I agree to a point – but what if we are on the wrong path – are we just allowed to carry on with that path?? No – we are not … we are pushed in the right direction .. we are shoved … a lot of ppl have to go through a lot of pain before they awaken and realize their path – does it always have to be like this??

Lots of questions I guess ….

Some days are better than others – some days I am inspired – some days I am depressed – others are in between like today.

But I know I am surrounded by love – and I have many guides looking after me right now and a very good friend who always lends an ear – at least I have that … and so I am blessed …

Another Self help book ????

2008-11-14T13:58:00.000+02:00

I have been thinking about the concept of self improvement and since I have probably read hundreds of self help books and have been diagnosed as being Bi-polar and have been through several bouts of severe depression with suicidal tendency … I have decided that this whole concept really stinks.

The reason why I am saying this is that I have spent my entire life trying to improve myself – always trying to find the latest thing that I need to do to make myself into a better person … I read and read and read and tried to apply things into my life and felt bad everytime I did not achieve what this book promised. Reading things like “this will change your life” … “this is the true answer to happiness” … HA HA HA! I say – what a load of absolute B/S.

By saying that we are trying to improve ourselves – does that not imply that we are not perfect just the way we are … it took me many years of suffering to realize this. Many many years of guilt and doubt and self-questioning to finally realize that the answer to all of my problems is really to love myself … EXACTLY THE WAY I AM. I am perfect just the way I am and so is everyone else. True happiness can only come from a place of self love. And yes this sounds like such a simple statement – but after years and years of feeding my mind with judgement and rubbish and expectations for how I should be and how I should live and what I should say and how I should act so that I can live up to a perception of what a good person is … what like Mother Teresa … HA! I didn’t even know the woman and I am pretty sure that she was a fantastic person – but at the same time I am sure she was not perfect in everyway and that she also had a balanced personality (good and bad).

I mean really we measure ourselves up to people that exist in our imaginations really … I mean take anyone that you idolize … Richard Branson – wow, now he looks like an amazing man – he looks jolly, successful, totally free … and yes I read his books as well and I was pretty inspired and motivated for a while. But bottom line is that they don’t tell you everything – I never knew him - he probably also got pissed off and kicked the dog, also felt like he had too much to do and not enough hours, also had screaming matches with his wife and kids, also just had bad days when he wanted to whole world to leave him alone. So bottom line is – the so called “Amazing” man is just a figure in our imagination … he is not real – he is not whole – he is not complete. He is just a perception. And we are trying to compare ourselves to that????? Very strange indeed.

Even if you look at people that you do know – these so called saints or so called happy people. They look so happy and so free and so together … and we strive to be like them and we get upset and judge ourselves because we just simply are not like them – why cant we be as happy, why cant we also go gym everyday, walk the dog, pick up the kids from school, bath them, read to them and still have time to do their night time beauty routine … HA HA HA! I say to all that … I don’t live in that persons mind, I don’t live in their shoes 24hrs a day … guaranteed they also have issues, and they also scream at the kids, fight with their husband, get really depressed sometime …100% guaranteed that they are not 100% perfectly happy – either that or they are on some time of happy pill, slimming tablet or any other drug of choice.

You see the bottom line is that we compare ourselves all the time to other people and to be completely honest, everyone has there problems whether we can see it or not. How many times have you heard of a couple that has suddenly split up and you are taken back by it and cannot understand why – the reason is that they only appear to be happy – you only see part of their lives – maybe the part that they want you to see, could be consciously or not. Behind the scenes, they are real – behind the scenes they also have issues that they cannot deal with, they also scream at each other, they also get angry, get hurt and get unhappy.

In absolute honest truth – every single person has issues – there is not such thing as a perfect person – only our perception – only what we imagine things to be like. And then we are comparing ourselves to this – we benchmark ourselves on this imaginary image of what we should be like – based on imaginary people doing imaginary things. So therefore we are destined to fail.

And everytime you try and fail – you need to pick up the pieces all over again.

So my new self help strategy is exactly that SELF HELP. No more books no more websites, no more anything. It is time to reflect and trust that I can help myself.

My first thing that I need to learn is self love ….. because I am perfect just the way I am and I am exactly where I am supposed to be and everything is exactly as it is supposed to be.

Relationships with people

2008-11-13T14:28:00.000+02:00

People around us are our teachers – if only we would be the students.

I have been thinking about my relationship with other people – specifically family and have realized so much about myself by the way they react to me or at least my perception on the way they react to me.

I will give you an example – I have always felt that my mother is very judgemental of me with regards to my daughter because of all the changes she has had to endure in her life time. Now on the one hand is really upsets me because with everything that I have been through – I do not need her to judge me. On the other hand – why does it affect me so much and why does it upset me?? The true reason I believe is because I actually feel guilty about it – and that is why it affects me.

You see if I did not feel guilty then it wouldn’t really upset me – it goes back to the fact that the world mirrors you.

Its quite an interesting thought and definelty an opportunity to learn.

Another thing I just wanted to get out of my system because its been on my mind.

Isn’t it amazing how you can get so close to a person when your in a relationship and then Wham its over … and you both move on … why is that?? Why is it that people cannot be friends – and yes I know I am harping on the same point over and over again but it is obviously still bugging me on some level .. I suppose my initial response it EGO – I guess from both sides it is definetly an ego thing ... and probably has a hell of a lot to do with the fact that as humans we run very far away from pain …. We are so scared of it that we run very far. Also I suppose when you are in pain you cannot see clearly or think logically and then your mind will drive you mad with fantasies of getting back together and what could’ve, would’ve, should’ve happened. So in a way it does make sense … and the reality of the situation is that I suppose eventually time does heal …and it has gotten easier and easier … but still sometimes I feel the pang … and I feel the loss of a person I once knew … but then again … is that just perceived … or is it just a story you tell yourself???

I am u and u are me

2008-11-11T10:47:00.002+02:00

I was thinking today about how we are all part of the same whole and I am u and u are me. There are a few ppl who just really irritate the crap out of me in my life - because they are weak, they are arrogant and they just ride me up the wrong way. One in particular is a person at work who constantly lies or tells half truths to cover their own behinds. This got me thinking on this concept about everyone ultimately being one and I tend to agree that the things we dont like in other people are just parts or ourselves that we have not yet learned to love. I am currently in a part of my life where I am learning to love and trust myself - a very difficult challenge since I am my harshest critic and I am my greatest judge. So in saying that - I am beginning to notice ppl that really annoy me, upset me and ppl like my daughter or my mother who frustrate me and I cannot deal with their emotional issues.

These are all in fact areas of my life, myself that I have not learned to love yet, I have not compeletey accepted. I mean, how can I truly be compassionate to anyone else if I do not show compassion and love for myself ...

I have been suffering for the last couple of years to come to terms with myself and my life, I have been in the depths of a painfull depression and through many years of blocking these emotions am beginning to reconnect with some of those emotions - this often makes me think of why I am going through all of this - why must I suffer - what is the purpose of all of this. In the times of my deepest darkest hour - I am consumed by all this pain and my mind is then filled with doubt and insecurity - I question my life and my purpose and i question myself. I read an interesting thing yesterday which makes alot of sense. Our pain is our teacher in our awakening - it teaches us compassion and love.

So through the pain we learn compassion.

I say through the pain because there really is no way to hide from it anymore and to ignore it anymore. It is there, it is sore .... and I must walk through this pain and awaken the compassion in me.

fluff

2008-11-08T11:45:00.002+02:00

so i am sitting here listening to one of my favourite songs of all time : Father and Son by Cat Stevens. I suppose the reasons why it is my favourite songs it that it is just like a summary of life ... it is so reassuring and just reminded us to just relax and enjoy right now ... when he says its not time to make a change ... it is exactly where I am right now .... I keep getting reminded to just relax - a difficult concept because I have always been so ambitious - there is always something to do something to achieve ... somewhere out there ... moving forward, moving fast ... to achieve the next thing that is going to make me happy ... this has been my comfort for as long as i can remember ... just moving ... everytime I hit a low ... I would pick myself up by just finding a new focus a new goal and new distraction ... never really facing me - Claire .. the little girl inside who is so scared ... it makes me wonder about at what point in my life I became this girl ... this girl so full of pain ... now dont get me wrong .. I have made huge strides in terms of my healing but this poor little scared child is still there .... she still has so much to let go of .. she still has to let go and learn that she can trust ... that she will be okay ... but when did this happen, when event or events actually made this little girl so scared and alone ... when did she decide that she was not safe ...... what caused it.

Its a weird feeling ... I sat this morning feeling a bit under the weather for the past few days and extremely anxious - but i cannot put my finger on exactly what it is ... it seems like everytime I take a few steps forward ... there seems to be a block ...

I sat this morning and just quietened my mind and just felt my whole body .... and for a moment I just felt that i am actually okay ... everything is actually okay ... it felt good ... but then my mind takes over .... and although i am not connecting so much with my ego anymore and I am becoming more adept to recognise when my ego is creating the story ... but there is more ... there is definetly somehting more there ... there is defintley one last thing that needs to be released ....

the funny thing is that I have actually come a very long way in the last couple of months .... I know that and I acknowledge that .... and i so desperatley want it all to be over now ... I want to be fully okay ... I want to feel that peace all the time ..... but there is still more ... more to be released or at least acknowledged ... but what is it .....??????? Bring it on ..... I am ready to take it - I am ready to listen .....

I forgive you

2008-11-05T12:18:00.001+02:00

I forgive you for not always being there for the people in your life
I forgive you for losing your temper
I forgive you for being selfish
I forgive you for breaking down
I forgive you for your resistance to the change in your life
I forgive you for being angry
I forgive you for crying
I forgive you for getting frustrated with your situation
I forgive you for letting people down
I forgive you for letting others suffer
I forgive you for not being perfect
I forgive you for berating yourself
I forgive you for being so hard on yourself
I forgive you for not being able to quieten your mind at times
I forgive you for caring too much
I forgive you for not being able to let go

Today I want to tell you that everything is going to be okay and I surround you will love and peace and nurturing because you need to be loved and you deserve to be loved and you are loved.

I want to tell you that you are indeed very blessed and know that no matter what you will always be loved and you will always be accepted just the way you are… and because of that there is really nothing to forgive … you are perfect just the way you are and even in times of struggle and pain … know that you are already forgiven and you are already loved and nurtured and you are never alone in your pain … its okay to feel pain, its okay to heal and its okay to let go. You are safe and you are loved.

The cost of nothing

2008-11-03T16:02:00.000+02:00

I was on a website today looking at different courses and I came across a course that teaches people to do nothing … I was quite amused that the course cost R630 .. .and literally laughed out loud …. What have we come to that we need to take a course on how to do nothing and pay for it none the less.

Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the course and it will probably sell out, because the way we live now days we forget to do nothing … we forget to spend time outside and in nature … or laying in bed … simply doing nothing. When last did you actually sit and do nothing … and I mean NOTHING, no TV, no radio, no reading … just literally sit wherever you are and reconnect with who you are … listen to the sounds around you, feel all the sensations in your body, listen to yourself breath, feel your heartbeat …

I can tell you that it is an incredibly awesome experience the first time you do it … as you begin to awaken to how we all live our lives. From the moment we wake up in the morning – with our 3 cups of coffee and 5 smokes … to the moment our heads hit the pillow we are bombarded with images all around us and sounds and thoughts …. It is crazy … our heads become like whirl winds buzzing around all this information that we actually forget who we are …and one day we wake up with a big shock or a massive blow and realize that this is all FAKE. All this stuff is fake … we are literally living in the matrix.

One of the things that I seem to forget is this quiet time .. this alone time… the time to just be one with all that is … to breath, to feel, to listen. I know this now and thank-you to the universe for this reminder……

It is then that we truly connect with ourselves and we realize that in fact when we are our own best friends – life becomes more clear. It is then that we realize that we truly do have the answers inside of us … we can trust ourselves and we can enjoy bliss ….

Alone

2008-11-02T16:11:00.002+02:00

A few weeks ago I was feeling really good ... like life was okay ... and I would be fine ... it seems that somewhere between then and now I have become lost again .... I sit here again in pain and doubt and I wonder if I will ever be able to breathe ... I wonder if I will ever be able to just let go of al this pain ... and hurt ... and anger .. and despair ...

I seem to get into this mood that no-one can really pull me out of ... its like I am heading downhill into a brick wall and I can't get myself to slow down...... until I eventually hit the dam brick wall and then its a case of picking up the pieces and starting all over again ... this seems to be a ongoing theme in my life .... over and over again ...

The more I try and relax and the more I try and just breathe and get my mind calmed down - the more I just keep going and going and going.

I have realised that again, I have not been putting myself first - and I mean that I have not been realy taking care of myself at all ... I have been ignoring myself in an attempt to take care of everyone around me .. why do I do this?? I know that it just spells danger and pain and heartache and yet I continue to get to this point over and over again .... and then go down down down until I hit rock bottom.

Hey, I suppose I am not Bi-polar for nothing ....LOL

There is just really something deep inside me that is pulling me down ... and I dont know what it is ... my whole life I have had this problem ... everytime I feel like I am making progress I get knocked down by this huge wave .... WHAM!!!! and then I retreat ... pick up the pieces and start again ....

Where are you little critters .....?????

I dont want to be angry anymore, I dont want to be sad, I dont want to be in this dark bottomless pit of despair ... I want to be free, I want love, I want peace .....

Help me please .............

The Klap

2008-11-01T12:37:00.002+02:00

Okay so I had to give someone really special a klap the other day ... not physically but by just saying some really harsh things. It had to be done .....

I felt so bad afterwards, and I still do ... I knew he was hurting because he was holding on to something and he needed to let go ... so now he is really angry ... which is good in a way .... anger can be a really good emotion when you are stuck .... it can help at least get you out of desperation.

Sometimes when you try and help people in a candy coated sort of way ... it can help... you can slowly get them to move forward and become unstuck ... but sometimes when they are stuck in an endless whirlpool they need a klap to get out of it.

Anyway ... I just wanted to share that because i feel kak .... maybe I need a klap as well ... any volunteers??

Ouch ...

2008-10-30T09:53:00.001+02:00

Okay so I needed to get passports sorted out for my daughter and myself and have been working myself up into a bit of a frenzy because I hate government departments and I know there are a whole lot of complications wrt to my daughter. Anyway after attending the Reiki II on Saturday we learned that Reiki can transcend time – in other words since time does not really exist anyway … you can send Reiki into your past and into the future.

So yesterday morning I decided that I needed to change my attitude about this whole event and be positive. I sent Reiki to the Home affairs office with the intention that they would all feel very loved and all feel extremely helpful.

I arranged to leave early …. Went to fetch my daughter from school and the whole way there was chanting in my head that everything is going to be fine, everything is going to run smoothly and all of the people working at Home Affairs office would be happy and loving and helpful …..

I stop at the Robot – literally about 2km away from the offices … and bam … my car stalls and won’t start …. I take a deep breath and think okay I am doing something wrong… take the key out, put it in again and try again … still doesn’t start … “OH NO!!!” I shout in my head … what now … I start panicking …. Pull myself together and say okay … so now what ….

In the mean time my Hazards are on and people are still hooting like mad men behind me …even an old granny drove past and asked if I was sleeping …. I politely smiled and told her to”@$%# off” … trying to stay calm …

I was sitting there with no phone … and the car wont start …. BIG OUCH!

I managed to roll the car backwards and to try and get out of the way … but while I was rolling backwards the breaks locked … I mean really .. must some kind of “SAFETY” feature … So quickly pull the handbreak up and try the car again ….. still nothing … so we jump out the car … walk to the nearest shopping centre and use the public phone … to phone the mom … caus the dad who is normally the one who does this stuff is flat on his back in hospital … FREAK!

To cut a very long story short … although it is filled with lots of humour and so much irony … I bought a new phone … it actually had battery life ….YAY! Mom got her roadside assistance to come out and tow the car to the nearest garage …..

Drum roll ………

Turns out that I am a true woman ….. the car had NO PETROL!!!! Now that is truly embarrassing ….. and well worth a good hearty laugh … a whole afternoon wasted because I did not realize that the car I have been driving does not have what I would think is a normal petrol light … THE ORANGE ONE … apparently when its gets to the last bar on this thing … that is the petrol light …. So now we know ….

Funny thing is that while I was so engrossed in panicking about Home Affairs and the whole process that I forgot to Petrol in … I mean really …..

Oh well, at least Home Affairs all got a nice dose of Reiki yesterday … hope they all feel blessed and happy right now ….. LOL! And at least the Tow truck driver had a big laugh .. and at least it wasn’t anything really serious …..

I suppose these kind of this humble you into realizing that we need to slow down and focus ….

I asked a friend last night what the universe was trying to tell me … because this whole week seems to have been designed as some grand test … its been a tough one … and he said that the universe was trying to tell me to PUT PETROL IN THE CAR … ITS DOESN’T RUN ON AIR ….

LMAO … maybe I need to stop taking myself so seriously ….. :-)

Being stuck

2008-10-28T12:33:00.000+02:00

We all have times in our life when we are stuck. Stuck in a situation that we don’t like or we don’t enjoy. Stuck in an emotional state. Stuck in a financial state. We can be stuck in almost any situation that we choose to be stuck in. I say choose because it is a choice.

I was chatting to a friend the other day and she has this thing going to that she wants to loose weight – so she said, she wants to get a stairmaster – but that costs R600. So she can’t get it now because she does not have money. Now, I know that she has a bike, so I asked her what happened to her bike – she said that her place is so small that you cannot swing a cat and the bike is a mission. My words to her were this “why are you creating obstacles in your life?”

Now the reason I know this to be true is that we all do it all the time, we create obstacles … but in the same breadth we can remove them as well. We create our own prisons and then complain that we are stuck. The truth is that we are the only ones who hold the key; each one of us in our own way limits our own freedom in so many ways.

So why do we create these obstacles??

We create these obstacles because we don’t know what we want. Honestly…. I read a post the other day in a blog (newagebitch.com) and she discussed the topic of what do we want. If you say out loud – what do I want …. What answer comes back??? Happiness, freedom, security, world peace….blah blah blah ….

I can assure you that all of these things are already inside you.

Think about this … take one thing that you really want … lets use a Ferrari as an example. Why do I really want a Ferrari? Well, because if I have a Ferrari I will be cool, I will able to drive fast, people would notice me, I would have lots of friends and I would be happy and my life would change …..

Okay so if you read this statement – the truth here is that you want to be”happy” and you think that by getting a Ferrari you will have lots of friends who think you are cool and then you will be happy.

Break it down further …. To me this says … I AM LONELY and INSECURE.

And that is where you are stuck … but why are you stuck there??? Because you choose to be … let me make that very clear … you are stuck in this situation because that is your choice.

There are many reasons why you may be stuck there and all of those are good to explore … but the bottom line is that you choose to be there … You are attached to being lonely and this is exactly why you will always be lonely … until you are ready to let go of it and move forward.

Let’s say you do get a Ferrari … and you make great friends and then slowly but surely you realize that these people are not really your true friends anyway. You realize that the people you are dating are not really interested in you – they only wanted you for the image you were projecting … and yes, you will get there … then what … back to being lonely …. You will always go back to this point until you acknowledge that you are lonely … SAY IT OUT LOUD … I AM LONELY…….

The question is why you are attached to being lonely? How does this serve you? What are you protecting? What are you afraid of? What people in your life are you not acknowledging? What blessings are you missing?

Loss

2008-10-24T21:36:00.000+02:00

your smile which warmed me
your voice which comforted me
your laugh which consumed me
your touch which surrounded me
your energy which consumed me

I miss you ....

sadness surrounds me now

I am walking my path
I am awakening to life
I am letting the light in

I still miss you

sadness surrounds me now

I wish you joy
I wish you peace

May the angels surround you
Engulf you in love and peace

May you heal
May you achieve greatness
May all this will be worthwhile

Be free .....

Where what and how

2008-10-24T09:31:00.001+02:00

So I have been feeling quite irritable the last couple of days and I cannot quite pin point what the problem is. I know I need to relax and I know that I need to take it easy and let life flow – but at the same time I seem be resisting the relaxing and taking it easy … why???

There have been so many changes happening in my life the last couple of months and some of them have been quite painful to make. Even though they are the right choices for me and my path – they have been traumatic. Plus on top of this I have just recently made big decision to resign from my job and another big decision to move away and go on a adventrue. All these decisions I know will be good for me and for Kayla and I know they will result in good things … the problem is that I feel stuck right now … I feel that right now I am not in line with the universe … its my own issue .. but why am I stuck .. not actually the question is where am I stuck … in what state am I stuck ……

I drew the intention card last night and this morning – which to me means I am in a place with no intention … I am floating around and letting the current take me … sometimes that can be a good thing – although without intention – how does the current know where to take me.

So I set my intention that I am relaxed and at peace and am open to learn new things about healing and love. I embrace my choices with passion and I direct my life towards them.

2008-10-17T16:11:00.001+02:00

http://www.informationalhealing.com/

Where to from here

2008-10-17T14:33:00.001+02:00

Lets just say that you knew that you were about to do something great for mankind .. like find the cure for cancer or find the lost city of atlantis or something else just as great. But in order to do that you had to totally trust in the universe and give up on certain things in your life ... which are in effect holding you back ... but they are very hard to give up. Would you do it???

Reading that paragraph, i would most certainly say yes outright - no questions asked. But in reality it is far different. What are the risks exactly ... what are the consequences. When you break it down like that ... it seems dam scary. But then again why??? Do we ever KNOW for sure what is going to happen, do we ever KNOW for sure that things will be bad ...truth is that we dont. We dont know for sure of anything ... past or future. All we really know is right now ... so then why does our mind automatically start panicking?? Whyd do we think of the bad stuff only ... the what if I cant this... and what if I cant that ....why dont we sit back and think good thoughts??? LIke what if everything is fine, what if we do great things...

The thing is that I recon the mind is there to bring us back down to earth sometimes ... from cloud nice ... but it gets a bit carried away. I recon that if we just sit back, relax and allow things to happen it will be fine ... and even if its not ... it will be fine ... life has this amazing ability to teach us lessons, and yes sometimes they are hard lessons and sometimes we go through pain, alot of pain to get there ... sometimes that pain is necessary, but mostly it is not ... it is in fact through our resistance of moving forward and our resistance of taking that step of freedom that we feel pain ... we feel anguish ... and we suffer.

And yes, sometimes things do hurt .. the hurt like a MF ... but time truly does heal all wounds - if you allow it to - if you let the emotions come up and accept what you are feeling in the moment and then let go ....

Sadness

2008-10-14T16:12:00.001+02:00

To a man that I once loved, and still do ...

I am sad today ... sad that we cannot be friends, sad that you can not forgive me as i did you, sad because I dont know if you are alright, sad because I can do nothing .... but mostly sad because there is no hope .... there is not even a sign, a word, or anything ... so alas, I am sad .... I know that I need to let go ... and move on and accept that I may never see you again, I may never speak to you again, I may never know if you are okay. I am dissapointed, so dissapointed ...

So I let go, I leave you in peace to carry on your life.... in peace .....

Archangel Michael, please give your protection to this man, give him courage to fight another day, take his fears as your own and release them into the worlds as love. Give him constant guidance and help and bless him daily.

May all the angels, fill your heart with love, guidance, and understanding and may you always be blessed with love and grace in your life - help him heal and be by his side daily to lift him up into the light.

Thank-you .....

Letting go again

2008-10-12T16:13:00.000+02:00

I decided it was time to write him a letter and try and get him to understand why ... it took me quite alot of time ... mainly because there was so much to say and so much that I needed him to understand... I realise now that he may never understand and that I need to let it go .... I do with that there was a magic wand or a potion that I could give to him and just make him feel better ... I hate the thought of him being in pain and I hate the fact that I caused it .... it does consume me sometimes and it does make me feel hurt. My sister said to me that i am crazy because who was there to wave a magic wand when i was hurting ... i suppose she is right .... but I need to know that he is okay .... it is like watching a sad movie ... I want to fast forward to the part when he is okay and he is over the hurt and the pain and he has moved on .... but I realise we must all go through the pain and we must just accept the process ..... i need to let go of it though ... I cannot make him happy, and i cannot heal him, that is a choice he needs to make .... it is just difficult to be sitting on the sideline and knowing I caused it .... the other thing that really worries me is that he does tend to block out ppl in his life that will help him ... but then again I know it is his choice and I need to also let go ....

I have left the door open to him and I truly hope he uses it .... but again ... I cannot control the outcome ... so i need to let go and accept the way it is .....

I love you my baby ... and I let you go with love and peace and wish you nothing but joy and bliss in your life .....

Aint life grand ....

2008-10-10T22:52:00.000+02:00

Starting to feel better today .... slowly ... one step at a time ...

Isn't hindsight amazing ... something that seems so painful today that you cannot handle you cannot cope, you feel like your whole world is collapsing ... then later .. sometimes years you find out the reasons why things happened that way and that it all just makes sense....

My theme song for today is Let me go (3 Doors down). It means alot right now and in time it will all make sense ... I hope anyway.

I am still drawing the "focus" card ... wonder what Jordan (my guide) is trying to tell me ...

well anyway ... I am very tired and need to take a whole lot of screaming monkeys (kids) to Gold Reef City tomorrow ... YAY .. she says sarcastically ...

Thank-you J for being here for me now and always ... you have always been such a blessing in my life ... and thank you for helping me to find peace ... I promise to stop being so dam stubborn and to stop hanging on so tightly ... I know you mean well and I trust you ...

Trust

2008-10-09T16:17:00.001+02:00

I keep getting messages to trust the process ... how can you trust blindly ... how can you do it when fear consumes you. I may have just made the biggest mistake of my life and yet ... I knew it was right. I threw away something that seemed so incredibly awesome away so that I can sort myself out .... I keep hearing that things will get better - right now I am not sure ... I hope ... there is hope ... but right now things were the same as they were yesterday, the same as they were a month ago ... the same.

I really just want him to be okay ... how can he be though ... how can he be???????????

I have decided that I have a choice right now - I can let the pain consume me and give up on life ... which believe me is so tempting ... but then I would really just give up and let go of everything or I can accept that what's done is done and know that I will be okay and so will he. I send love to him every night, his guides are there, his friends and his family will love him and support him... So I need to let go ... I need to let go or this pain will consume me ...this pain will envelop my entire being and it will kill me ... slowly but surely it will kill me ......

Your whole life you are taught to put other before yourself and the truth is that that is exactly why I am in the situation I am in now - I have always put everyone elses needs before mine ... to my own detriment - I never know when to stop, I never know when I am hurting myself to help someone else ... I have realised that now ... I have realised that I cannot continue to do that to myself and I cannot continue to be like I was ... again it will kill me ... I will end up so depressed again that I will not come out of it ... it is that serious ...

So again, I have the choice ... to live or to die ... it is that simple .....

Guilt

2008-10-09T07:52:00.000+02:00

so here we are again ... in the clutches of pain ... only now its not only my pain that I feel - it is yours as well. from deep within my soul I am sad - I am hurting ... what is the point of all this pain. I wish nothing more than to just to hold you and hug you and make you feel alright ... make me feel alright ... make all the pain dissapear ... I keep thinking that maybe it would be easier if you hated me ... so hate me ... be angry with me .... let me be the stupid bitch that broke your heart ....

I just want you to be happy - and you cant with me right now ... you can't - I know in my soul that I would make you miserable because I cannot give you what you need. I wish you could see it from my side and I wish you get understand .... I know it wont take away the pain - but it will help you heal.... and you will heal .... you will be great and you will be happy ... I know it! Just let yourself heal ... let yourself feel sad and angry and let yourself feel miserable and then let it all go .... let go and move on ....

I know this doesn't make sense right now - it will though with time ... it will. Sometimes we hang onto things because we think they will make us happy but in truth they wont ... it is all an illusion. Your guide appeared last night and he is looking after you ... just allow him to help.

Do yourself a big favour please .... dont block out the people in your life that love you ... they are with you for a reason and they love you so much.

Fuck

2008-10-07T19:10:00.000+02:00

Fuck you world, fuck you fear, fuck you pain. I have had enough ... I am so sick of feeling like this - so sick of being angry and lost. so sick of all of this shit. If you want me to do something ... do so with love or fuck off. Why would you make me scared. why would you give me fear and pain and anger. Show yourself to me, guide me with love ... stop freaking me out ... stop making me doubt myself ... I HATE THIS! I FUCKING HATE THIS!!!!!!

If you have something to say - SAY IT! MAKE ME SEE! Prove it to me .. you cannot give me a mind that questions so much and is so curious and has all this scepticism and then tell me to trust ... FUCK THAT for a joke ... it does not work.

I will do what I want to do and what feels good - if it doesn't work out then so be it ... if something bad happens, then so be it ....

Trust

2008-10-05T20:35:00.000+02:00

I release myself to you
I release my fear to you
I release my pain to you

Take it where you will

Love me
Protect me
Light me

Take it where you will

Reveal yourself to me
Reveal myself to me
Reveal your love to me

Take me where you will ...

Bleg.....

2008-10-05T20:24:00.000+02:00

It is a strange phenomenon when you are waiting for something to happen as opposed to just appreciating the beauty of now. I am relatively calm today - however, school starts again tomorrow, its the start of a new week and I am waiting for my T to come home from Durban so that we can start over .... so as a result I am feeling rather restless today .. not as extreme as I normally am and my mood is relatively calm - but just uneasy .... and restless.

I really dont enjoy this space at all ... all it does is just distract me from being present and when I am distracted my mind takes over and goes into thinking mode ... and I am disconnected from everything that is. It is however one of those things and with my new frame of mind I am chosing not to fight my moods and to just flow with them ... so far fighting them has led to nothing but pain and unhappiness and in fact has made them worse. So now I am quite comfortable with allowing myself to feel sad if I am sad and angry if i am angry.

My healer told me the other day that it is okay to cry when I am happy ... that really got me thinking alot about how I am truly winning on the downers ... well winning in the sense that I know I will get through them ... eventually. But I am still blocking my happiness ... a very strange place to be .. since aren't we all just searching for happiness, then why would I block my happiness .. makes alot of sense for me though ... because I am more at peace then I have been for a very long time .. however, I think that I am still afraid of going downhill again and I am still afraid of letting go completely and ultimately am really just blocking myself completely from just being happy ... and I dont know why .... definetley needs some more thought though ....

Release me from the bonds that tie me

2008-09-26T20:27:00.000+02:00

two great leaps forward into the light
and back again
Back into the darkness and into the pain
Release me from this pitiful state
Relase me from this pain
Release me from this anguish

What is it that you want from me
I cannot do this alone

I will not suffer anymore
Reveal yourself to me
Reveal your intensions and release me

Fill me with your light
I am open to your love
I am open to your divine intention

I cannot break free
You hold me down
My legs are scarred
The rope consumes me

Let me in, let me out
Give me the peace that I seek
Let me be, let me live, let me love

I cry out in pain
I scream out in anger
Release me from your clutches

You are free ... move on ... leave me ...

This thing called life ....

2008-09-25T20:47:00.000+02:00

i dont know ... I dont know ... I dont know .....

Its a weird thing not to know ... for the first time in my life i dont know and it feels partly really awesome and it partly really freaks me out ... what exactly dont i know?

I used to be this person who had life figured out and I knew in my mind exactly what i wanted and i was willing to push myself to the limit to get what I wanted and I did ... i went through major depression, I went through being diagnosed as Bi-polar and everything I ever fought for is now nothing ... I am single again ... I am in job I am actually so inspired to be in - I worked so dam hard to get to this point and now I really hate what i am doing ... the irony is that this not knowing is that I am not at all depressed about it ... I realise that all the time I was driving myself crazy for all this shit ... was really silly and now as I sit here ... i have no direction, I have no idea where I am going next, I have no idea if I ever will find the ideal job, I have no idea if I ever will find that soul mate ... and you know what ... it is actually so much more peaceful to not know ... it is so much more peaceful to just be ... the problem comes in when my mind takes over again ... it is so trained to be busy all the time and to be in control of everything and to push its way through life that it freaks out and panics ...then I tend to get wrapped up in it ... and it consumes me to the point of real stress and pain ....

A very wise friend told me today to embrace the pain, deal with it and let it go .... he is right ... so thank-you my friend .... I am glad we got back in touch ...

Oscillation

2008-09-24T17:27:00.000+02:00

am oscillating right now between feeling really good and at peace and feeling really irritable and miff ... I so badly just want to find the balance and live my day one moment at a time. I have started meditating on Sunday - on Monday I felt the world of difference in my whole mindset and i truly felt at peace. Monday night I never and then Tuesday and today was just so frustrating .... I just feel so irritated with my own mind that it keeps on bringing me down - I want to just get a labotomy ...LOL... and stop all the busy thoughts in my mind.... I need to slow down again ... i need to just be .... I keep forgetting that. I tend to have such control issues and I cannot seem to let go of my life and let it flow - its like i have this incessant need to push it forward - I have no idea why ... its like being stuck in a traffic jam and I keep changing lanes - convincing myself that i am moving faster - when in actual fact - the guy I was next to 15 minutes ago - is still next to me now ... I think by chaning lanes all the time I feel more in control - but what does it actually achieve - nothing really except more work, more concentration and a whole lot of nothing. If I just sit back and relax and just go with the flow - I may at least be more relaxed and be able to just be and just breath in all the beauty around me ...

I keep talking about letting go and surrendering to life - still a bit challenge as it is not really an active task it is more opposite. Its like telling someone they WILL have fun or ELSE... how do you make someone have fun - you can't - its a mindset ..... I suppose the decision is active but there really is no action - or is there??

I have been thinking about how to let go of the ex ... but I dont know why I am blocking it though - I keep having these thoughts that maybe I am not ready - but its more than that ... i am scared to let go - which is also strange caus the irony is that I know that we wont get back together - but its just hanging around and wont go away ... its so messed up really it is ...

Letting Go

2008-09-20T21:41:00.000+02:00

Now that I have decided to let go ... it feels awkward - what exactly is letting go ... is it an action, a choice .... how does one let go .... is it something that you can act on or is it simply just surrender .... just a deep breath in and out and and a big oh well ...

I dont know, I so badly want to just let it all go - all of the past, everything that I have been through. It is not soley him and and our relationship - there is tons of old emotion hidden throughout my body and my mind ... years of bottled up and un dealt with emotion - I dont want to have to deal with all the emotion, I dont want to have to live through each story again - i just really want to deflate .. to just let all of it out and pass it into the light to be healed.

All the pain, all the fear, all the regret - all of it - just breath in and let it go ... will my mind let me surrender, will my mind keep hanging on caus I identify with the whole story, will my mind just carry on floating in the drama that my life has been so far. I am really not my story, I am really not all the pain and the fear - I am free, I am well, I am the life breath that i enhale - then what will it take to let go ...

I need some kind of ritual for each thing that is hanging on to me, I need some kind of sacrifice ....weird choice of words - but maybe like a burning ceremony - where i can burn all the issues and let the fire consume them up and the energy gets expelled into the universe ....

It is time for freedom, it is time for love, it is time for all of this hurt to leave my body and my mind and to float into the light .....

Babble

2008-09-19T14:31:00.001+02:00

Had a flower reading and a message from an old forgotten aunt (apparently) last night and both picked up that I need to let go of the past .. surprise surprise ....think its about time I listen ...

I am grateful for the messages and I know they are right.

I think alot of the time we identify with the story in our lives - so if I am a single mother - then I feel pain as a single mother, if my boyfriend cheated on me - then i feel the pain of the being the victim and of a bruised ego, If I suffer from depression - then I will feel the pain of depressed person... what if this is all an illusion - all the things I am hanging onto are things that happened in the past - they are not who I am, they do not define me ... they are just a story.

You know when you watch a movie and you get so engrossed in the plot and you get so in touch with the characters feelings and emotions - then comes the sad music and or the drama and you actually feel the emotion at the time ... is that not just exactly what happens when you remember your past ... you are really just watching a movie - your story, the life you identify with.

I have been reading alot about living in the now and embracing the present and the learnings from these books are so true - the challenge, however, is getting out of the drama or the story and getting back to the present ...sometime we dont want to be in the present - I know, I fight the present constantly and resisit being right here, right now .... I have noticed this recently and it really frustrates me .. but I am slowly starting to see the light ....

I just really need to learn to slow down - in fact - I think the universe it trying to tell me something - recently I keep getting stuck behing these very slow learner drivers ...

Anyway that is my babble for friday ....

Drop your story

2008-09-19T14:31:00.000+02:00

You can release any suffering,simply stop entertaining your drama.
Instead of feeding your story, allow yourself to notice who is listening to it.

Why why why

2008-09-17T18:32:00.001+02:00

Why on earth do we do this to ourselves .... I decided it was a grand idea to sms my ex last night... he was very sweet ... but then afterwards I decided that I am such a geek - I mean who does that. I am acting like a typical desperate ex-girlfriend....

I mean I am certainly not desperate and I would not want him back - I just dunno why I cant just let go. DAMMIT!!!! I am actually very irritated with myself. All it actually does is open you up to more memories and miffness - why would i want to punish myself.

Really .....

Anyway I met a really cool babe today - nice and naughty like me .. that was a nice highlight to my day ... hehehe.

So its time to stop crying now and move on ...

up and down ...

2008-09-10T18:32:00.001+02:00

I was thinking today that I really need to start looking at life differently. I mean what if I knew that for the rest of my life I would be single. How would I live my life? Would that give me more comfort instead of wasting hours and hours trying to figure out when I will actually meet the man of my dreams. I am truly so dissapointed that things did not work out with me and Terry - caus he was a really great guy - one of those rare guys that just seem really genuine guys. But then again if you think of it - I recon the reason why ppl say that love it blind is that you choose to look a the great qualities in a person. That just begs the question of what is love exactly - maybe we all just convince ourselves that we are in love. I recon that only after 10 years you can actually declare you are in love .... then you know the person in and out and you really know deep down if you even like them and their outlook to life.

I know I will be okay and in fact I know that I am already okay - I just keep sinking to this low level of sadness - but I think that is just me still holding on - to what I have no idea - I guess I just miss his presence in my life. Then I start thinking of what happened and I get annoyed and angry and then I get a bit upset with myself for going down that road again. I recon that it is time I let go ... but the question is HOW!!!!! How do I move forward - have I dealt with all the issues. I dont know - I gotta stop resisting life and just go with the flow - part of holding on is about not accepting now for what it is - that is what causes the pain ....

:-(

I dont have the answers right now ... I dont know what I should be feeling - I just feel miff and lethargic and despondent ..... mmm - and what is next???

Aching

2008-09-07T09:55:00.001+02:00

Aching heart, I feel you

I know you pain

I know you anger

I know you fear

You are love

You are light

You are what you seek

Aching mind, I hear you

I know you want

I know you need

I know you bleed

You are love

You are light

You are what you seek

Aching body, I feel you

I know you need

I know you bleed

I know you pain

You are love

You are light

You are what you seek

Aching soul, I am you

I know your love

I know your light

I know your guide

You are love

You are light

You are what you seek

Break free my soul, surrender to now, allow the love to surround you, to emanate from within

Let me be

2008-09-07T09:48:00.001+02:00

It is sometimes strange to me how I am so connected to growth and light and yet my mind pulls me back into the false identification with the world, the pain and the past. I know the connection to the source is there, I can feel it and yet it seems to be underneath layers and layers of pain and thought. I sometimes lie for a few minutes and my sould opens up and I can feel the universe, I can feel my connection, I can feel my true home and then my thoughts take over and my desire to be loved enters into my head and I feel pain, I feel sadness, I feel anger - it is almost as if I am covered with layers and layers of pain. I have to literally strip all the pain away to really feel my connection to life. I know that I am on a journey - however my mind seems constantly trapped with the need to feel the pain of the past and the fear for the future .... I want to break free from the hold on me - I want to just be - I want to surrender to life and let it flow and yet I resist at every step.

My angels, I ask you to help me let go - help me to surrender to life and the journey - help me to enjoy the process that is life and let go of all the resistance. Help me to just be.....

All of my past has been my teacher and all of my future is yet to be explored ... I need to just be... just let go.... release the bonds of pain and anger - release the fear and trust in the holy light.

I release all expectation and open my hear to the teachers that surround me right now - let me see, let me hear, let me feel, let me taste, let me smell - let me LOVE!!!!!!

Feelings .....

2008-09-01T09:01:00.001+02:00

I have been feeling rather iritable the last few days and I have been trying to block it which makes everything worse ....so I decided to go with the feelings and see where it leads to .... I realise that I am actually feeling angry and dissapointed. Angry with you - angry that I have heard nothing - angry that you are avoiding the whole situation - how can you ignore a whole year of our lives and just say nothing .... how can you just move on with your life without facing what happened. I know in my heart that this is the way it is meant to be - however, how can you just block it. I can't, I can't just ignore it, I can't just not face that for a year we shared a life together, we had love, we had each other and then WHAM - it ended, WHAM it it over and you just ignore it - you just block everything that we had and cut it off. It is not gone, it has not dissipated into the atmosphere - it is still there... The feeling I felt for you were real, I DID LOVE YOU!!!! I still do - you cannot ignore it - maybe facing the situation will be painful and maybe there will be alot of hurt, guilt, anger, whatever - but at least you will deal with it - out in the open at least we can face what happened and acknowledge the situation - only once you have faced what happened can you move on can you surrender to it. YOU CANNOT BLOCK IT!!!!!!! It will come up again and again and again in your life until you deal with it!!!

This is why I am angry and dissapointed - this is why I am hurt right now - you are being selfish by ignoring me, you are being selfish by denying the closure for both of us ..... let go, give in, surrender to the pain, surrender to the anger - FEEL IT!!! ACKNOWLEDGE IT so that you can let go....

Today today today

2008-08-31T19:23:00.000+02:00

I have this strange inclination to sms him and i cant figure out why. I guess sometimes there is an empty feeling that needs to be filled - but then again - it is just perception.... what am I really gonna get out of it ... just say he does not respond, how am I going to feel or what if he does respond and he is all happy and alive .... then what ... is that not going to make me feel worse.... not that I feel bad right now, just a bit strange ....

Today is officially 21 days ... maybe it is my ego's way of holding on to the whole thing - why cant I just let go. If I really look at this whole thing I know that it was really a good thing that it ended - to be honest it is the first time in years that I feel calm .... I feel alive and feel like things are as they should be - I am spending loads of time on me and loads of time on really getting in touch with myself. I suppose that in a way maybe this is all very new and the reason why I feel lost is that I am so used to having someone else to take care of, someone else to worry about - soemone else to focus on to get all the focus off me. I have battled with depression for a very long time and if you have ever suffered from depression you will know what is like to be in a whirlpool being sucked under and sometimes you manage to pull in a breathe of air - but alot of the time you feel like just not fighting anymore and just let go - just let the current take you under ....

For the first time I dont feel like I am in that whirlpool anymore, I really feel like am exactly where I am meant to be in my life right now... I am learning an incredible amount each day about all the people in my life that I am truly grateful for and all the real true blessings I have. It is strange to have no real attachment to a house and to be really grateful that I have a place to sleep tonight. I have awesome family and I am blessed everyday with them ... I spent alot of time being resentful towards them and alot of time trying not to need them - I have finally realised that they are part of me - they are a blessing - and I am really so lucky to have them in my life ... so another great thing that is happening in my life ....

why then do I wish to ruin that - why then do I wish to test the boundaries and create a situation of pure self sabotage .........

EGO

2008-08-29T10:19:00.001+02:00

I have discovered that the ego is that route of all our mental and emotional problems or perceptions of problems. Our EGO requires constant security, praise and has a constant need to be filled. This is the reason why when things go wrong in our lives we feel bad - it is the EGO trying to get noticed. It is the EGO shouting out and wanting all the attention. Everything is at it should be and right in this moment if you stop thinking, there really is nothing to worry about - right now in the this very moment all is well.

The issue comes in when we think too much... I recently discovered that I think too much - I worry to much, I regret too much, I feel guilty too much. So now the aim is to learn to become present and to learn to seperate myself from my thoughts ..... I think the saying that "I think, therefore I am" should be changed to just ..... I AM!!!

I am love, I am grace, I am me - I am a whole person.

Let Him DIG

2008-08-28T15:02:00.001+02:00

>> > LET HIM DIG

>>> > An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they

>>> > hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and

yelling

>>> > could Be heard deep into the night The old man would shout, "When

>>> > die,

>>> > I will Dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt

you

>>> > for the rest Of your life!"

>>> > Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic,

because

>>> > of

>>> > The many strange occurrences that took place in their

neighborhood.

>>> > The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's

relief,

>>> > He

>>> > died of a heart attack when he was 98.

>>> >

>>> > His wife had a closed casket After the burial, she went straight

>>> > the

>>> > local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

>>> > Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid

>>> > that

>>> > He may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and

come

>>> > back To haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down

her

>>> > drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried Upside down......"

>>> >

>>> > My kinda woman

Misery

2008-08-25T16:09:00.000+02:00

Have you ever been so miserable that you actually get irritated that you are so miserable.... well that what I have been like the past few months. Yesterday we will out for the day - the whole family and it was really a stunning day - and yet I sat there the whole day in absolute misery feeling so sorry for myself. I was actually so p'd off with myself that I was like that. I kept thinking of him and kept thinking of our life together - I also kept noticing all the bad things in everyone else's relationships - I guess trying to convince myself that I did not need a man or a relationship. The irony is that I had the same feelings when I was in the relationship - my life just did not make sense. This morning I woke up feeling miff and just not in the mood for another day - then i read an e-mail that was sent on friday about letting go of all of your baggage (material and emotional) and that is exactly what I needed. I am on a new path now - I have been given a gift of starting over - of putting one foot in front of another, of starting a life where my purpose is the focus - my true purpose. I am ready to let go of all the old rubbish and I am ready to just enjoy today - just for today I will not be angry, I will not worry, I will be grateful, I will do my work honestly and be kind to all things (this is the 5 Reiki principles).

I am feeling much better - I also started reading a whole lot of inspiring websites - from great spiritual teachers - there truly is so much out there if you open your heart and you mind to it.

I just keep thinking that if I keep holding on to all this old baggage - I am not going to grow - I am not going to move on and I am certainly not going to be fulfilled. So I am willing to let go - willing to release all the old baggage and willing to be free.

Thank you to the universe for bringing me these things today.

Where to from here

2008-08-18T14:30:00.001+02:00

Moved out this weekend ….. pretty KAK feeling leaving the place empty ….. kind of felt like how I was feeling. Everyday gets a little better – I am trying not to think of him ….

I know that all this happened for a reason and so I am trying to concentrate on the future and little by little it will get better … and it is already. There is no point in dwelling on the past and over analyzing everything …. What is done is done.

I am going to a Reiki course on Saturday – really looking forward to it and then the crystal healing will be in September ….YAY!!!!!

I chatted to my sister's future mother in law on Saturday and she is into all the same stuff I am – so really COOL!!!! Am going to start getting more in touch with myself and my interests – recon that is a BEEEG Bonus.

I truly believe that sometime life has its way of pushing you in the right direction – I see this as one of those times … does not mean it is easy though …. The hardest thing in life is actually facing yourself and your own inner demons. That is scary – I recon I have this deep fear of being alone – I have always had it. Probably the reason why I have jumped from one relationship into another – so now is my time for me, to get myself right.

Dam angry

2008-08-15T18:52:00.000+02:00

I am so angry today - angry at you, angry at me - I woke up feeling on top of the world and then I went and packed up all my things .... think I am tired - think reality sank in. I am sooooooooooo angry!!!!!!

I have so much that I am blessed with and so much to be grateful for - but still YOU occupy my mind. No actually its not that - if I really think about it - you are just the excuse for me being miserable. The real reason why I am miserable is because I am miserable!!!!!!!!!!!!! It really has nothing to do with you.

I need to focus on me right now and getting myself right - it will happen. I will feel better!!!! I went for a crystal healing session on Wednesday and it was really awesome ... it really made me feel much lighter and gave me much more of a positive outlook on the whole thing. I realise now that deep down - the reason for my unhappiness is about me and my own self worth.

I had a moment of inspiration last night that this all boils down to how I feel about myself and absolutley nothing to do with you. Now that I know that the question is what am I going to do about it ???

Calling it quits

2008-08-14T14:54:00.001+02:00

So today we called it quits ..... boo hoo!!! Feeling sad still for the loss - but at least there is closure. I know that this was meant to be and it makes sense - I think the universe was being kind to both of us by letting us call it quits earlier on instead of dragging out years worth of unhappiness.

It is still change though and I think that as human beings we hate change and we fear change - I know I do. I am soooo scared of being alone. So for now I will stay with my parents until I can't take it any more and then I will make the transition into my own place. Ultimatley that is where I need to be - I need to reach that stage that I am really happy and comfortable being on my own. It will happen - I am sure of it!!!!

A new day

2008-08-13T08:43:00.001+02:00

Pain for hurt you caused me

Anguish at the thought you bruised me

Hate for man you showed me

Love for the man you gave me

Sadness for what you took from me

Anger for the trust you abused me

Fear for the emptiness you bestowed me

Joy for the new day you brought me

Gratitude for the new love you showed me

Inspiration for new doors you opened for me

I take one slow step at a time

Feel the pain

Feel the anger

Feel the hate

Feel the sadness

Feel the fear

Release the pain

Release the anger

Release the hate

Release the sadness

Release the fear

Farewell my love, farewell ……

I take one slow step at a time

Feel the love

Feel the joy

Feel the inspiration

Walk towards the light – walk towards the love

It's a new day, a new life, new doors to open, new love to feel, new ideas to be inspired

Mixed feelings

2008-08-12T19:57:00.000+02:00

I received an e-mail today - it meant ALOT!!! I suppose just knowing that he was sorry and acknowledging what has happened helped. I feel better - but still VERY VERY SAD!!!! They say that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. Well with that in mind - in 21 days I will feel a whole lot better.

I think now the question is - what is next ... the answer is unknown - but I will get there. Me and my baby girl - the true love of my life.

That is all for today - said too much, thought too much, wrote too much ... need to get some much needed rest.

pain

2008-08-12T07:51:00.000+02:00

I wish that words could sometimes describe the emotions that I feel right now – I am missing him so much today. Just woke up like that – I felt alright last night after I read my last entries in my blog from last year – but today I woke up sad. What happens when we are sleeping – did I dream of you? I read in a book that all emotions are perceptions – and that love is the only true emotion. What does that mean exactly? I am logged into MSN right now – the irony is that I know that he is online as well – caus this is the time of day when he was chatting to her – part of me wants to send him a really nasty message – because I am angry with him – the question is why and what do I do about it.

Sad Day

2008-08-12T07:27:00.001+02:00

Having a very sad day today. Missing you so much.

Its hurts so much …… I miss waking up to your smile as I stumble in the lounge … I miss your arms around me – miss your smile, miss your laugh – miss us. Miss knowing we can conquer the world.

I am so hurt that you haven’t bothered to even talk to me – so angry, so upset – deep in my heart. I don’t know why – why cant you just talk to me – why cant you respond to what I have said. WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!

I am so so so sad …….

at it again

2008-08-11T19:58:00.000+02:00

I cant believe that just over a year ago was my last blog ... how sad is that!!!!

Just over a year ago I was in love with a married man ... just over a year ago I was lonely and battling to find myself and my independence .... WOW!!! I just read all my old posts ... very strange - but actually quite enlightening.

You see, now I am in love with a man who is not married - who has been incredibly awesome - until I found him having online relations (SEX) with another woman ..... ouch!!!!!!!

Its a long story - which I intend to tell - however for now, i just wanted to touch base with myself again and revive what I lost - myself .... so here we go again (have that damn song stuck in my head the whole day)!

You!

2007-06-15T16:42:00.000+02:00

After everything we have been through - you still drive me insane....

I still want to make love to you every time I see you ... I want to hold you so tightly and never let go ....

The good the bad and the ugly

2007-06-04T23:43:00.000+02:00

I have been going over this blog the entire day in my head and will all the things I have to say – I reckon I could write a book. So lets start and see where we get to.

I am this really strong independent woman who is great at making decisions – great at standing up for myself, knows what I want out of life and is determined to get it ..... hahahahahaha I laugh at my own thoughts. This is the person I am to everyone out there – confident, loving can handle any situation ... and in alot of ways I have become this person.

In reality, there is an extremely, scared insecure little girl inside – scared of being hurt, scared of not being loved, scared of not being good enough. I have hidden her very well for a long time – I successfully learnt to block out my emotions for a long time. I never cried a single tear for almost 5 years - part of the reason I decided to go to therapy.

I spent a long time in therapy discovering this – it was the start of what is going to be a long journey for me .... I have finally allowed her to come out and feel – it is honestly the scariest thing I have ever done – I am so scared that I wont be able to control what might come out of the woodworks if I really start feeling and really start digging deep and letting all of those fears and insecurities out again.

But this is my journey and I need to take it – I need to be myself as a whole person – I cannot live my life as this emotionless control freak.

My time with you has been awesome – but at the same time I have been so insecure and I have been really trying to be strong and hide all the insecurities – it apparently has not worked very well. I fell in love with you so badly that it hurt every time you said goodbye – everytime I could not speak to you, everytime you could not be with me.

I opened my emotions up to you – I really fell so deeply inlove with you – but at the same time I did not know how to control the insecurity and the fear. I tried Cuan, I tried so hard to fight it and keep reassuring myself that everything would be fine. Everytime I felt hurt I would just ignore the feelings and keep telling myself over and over again that I chose to get involved with a married man – so I had to accept everything that came with it. I know you say you can count it on your hand – but in reality everytime you had to leave to go home to your wife and everytime you were sms me and you had to go caus you wife woke up – it hurt. Everytime you told me that you loved me and then at the same time you showed no intention of ever really following your heart and being with me – it hurt.

I am not telling you any of this to make you feel bad – caus I realise that these are infact my issues – my little child that I have ignored for so long – my insecurities. And I realise now that I was so wrong for not being completely honest with you – I was so wrong for not expressing my hurt and my disappointment – I kept telling you that it was okay – when in reality it was not alright.

I suppose in some strange way – Friday night was also about that .... I am not going to explain any of this away and I am not going to try and justify what I did – I did what I did and cannot change it.

I need to continue my journey now and nurse this child of mine back to health – I need to get her to feel alright again.

I am so sorry that I hurt you – there was much I think that we both did not say to each other and maybe we should have ... who knows.

I do still want to be friends and I am really sorry for the way I acted tonight – I just feel like your hurt at the moment as well as mine – so everytime you sms me or tell me all these nice things it is like a knife going into my heart! I cannot be the strong person right now – it is my turn to be weak and to let all these feelings out and to be sad and to cry and to feel the pain. This is my journey. Maybe we can talk again next week and see where to go from here – but one thing is for sure – you need to forgive me for hurting you before you will really be able to be friends with me and I need to forgive myself for hurting you ......

That is all for today – I am going to bed now....

Explosion

2007-05-21T21:49:00.000+02:00

Fuck me.....its cold....I am sitting here typing and shivering my ass off...lol

Where do I begin to unravel all the thoughts going through my mind right now....its amazing how just when everything is settling down in my mind - something happens to stir it all up again.....don't worry I am not thinking of giving you the silver bullet for the 3rd time - you can relax and breath a sigh of relief.

Friday and today were SOOOOO awesome - I loved spending every minute with you. You are just such an amazing guy and I have this intense passion for you...it so incredible. To describe how I feel seems worthless as I cannot explain this absolute feeling of aching ... inside of me - it is almost painful it is so intense.

I am glad you opened up to me today about how you are feeling - it is really difficult to hear sometimes caus it is so much easier to just live for today and to just occupy my mind with worthless chatter the rest of the time. That way, when I do spend these short moments of time with you - it does not have to bogged down with my over analytical mind trying to problem solve lives that sometimes dont need my meddling.

Well here is my viewpoint down on paper - there are 2 ways of looking at it. First as your best friend if I was to give you advice:

You are married to a woman who you love, you have made this comitment to her and to your family and you are in the process of building a life with her and your boys. Every marriage has its ups and downs - every couple gets to that stage when you question what you are actually doing together. The question is can you make it work. Actually a better question is do you want to - what is it that you - CUAN - wants ... if you had to take me out of picture and look at your marriage - do you want it to work - do you want to sort out the shit between the 2 of you? In my opinion - it seems like a load of bullshit - it seems that you both have forgotten how to love one another - once upon a time - you both loved each other - once upon a time you both wanted to spend the rest of your lives together. The number one thing that you need to do is be honest with Rochelle and tell her how you feel - without the ego - without being over sensitive and she needs to do the same thing.

Talking from a woman's point of view - when you have kids - every part of who you are is taken away - every part of yourself as an individual is stripped away and you become the mom who has to take care of your children 100% all the time - there is no time for yourself - there is no room for her as a woman in the house - she is the caregiver. It becomes like a shadow over you and unless you fight for yourself and fight for your place a woman - you will always be the caregiver. Then comes the husband - who in all honesty is just looking for attention as well (like all men do) and you are already fighting for your own time and now this man wants to be given attention as well - it can make you sooo angry and frustrated. But it is the reality. The question is then why does she not take more time for herself? I suppose it is guilt - if she is away from her kids - she is neglecting them.

Probably the only time Rochelle feels like a strong independent woman is at work - she is respected as a strong individual woman and not as someone elses caregiver.

That is just my input from a woman's point of view - not to say that you don't do anything - caus as you have mentioned to me before - she does not always let you or at least Jordan does not always let you. My advice for Rochelle - if I was to give it to her is that she needs to spend at least a few hours every weekend - doing her thing and refilling her soul - no kids, no husbands - just with herself and maybe some friends that uplift her. She needs to can the guilt and do it - caus she will NEVER be supermom - there is no such thing - she can only do her best. If she spends time on herself and knows that the kids are well taken care of - either by you or someone else - then she can truly give back to herself and allow herself time to recharge.

Once you have both sat down and been totally honest with yourselves and each other - I think you will both be able to decide the next step between the 2 of you. My honest wholehearted opinion is that you guys need marriage counselling and i purely base that opinion on the all the unresolved issues - you can never ignore them and you can never ever get past them until you have dealt with them properly and there is a reason why they are unresolved in the first place - probably a few sessions with a counsellor will help you both talk about them in a neutral environment and the counsellor will help you put steps in place to deal with the issues - without all the emtion and egos getting in the way.

Secondly - my feelings as the woman who is crazy about you:

I think I might as well have put in leave for the past 2 days - I cannot concerntrate when I know you are in that office - i just want you - I just want to be with you. I am like my daughter - I want to throw the biggest tantrum against the whole world - caus I really really want something.

When I left Hein it was because there was just no more love inside of me to give - I had spent 4 years giving every part of me to a relationship that was really such a fake load of bullshit. We were both not honest with each other - we were both needing that other person for comfort and not because we were really intense and passionate who the other person was. If I look back now and analyse the whole thing - I was the care giver for him and Kayla - I was this weird person who was just trying to make everything okay - I took care of his emotional needs all the time and he was the man bringing in the income and doing the chores. If I look at who he was in his core being - who he was as a person - I do not even like him - he was negative and pessimistic - he loved to hibernate from the world - he hated everyone in it and he was just an energy drainer. I say that honestly now - without anger caus I realise that we did not suite each other at all. We are complete opposite people and we used to argue over the most ridiculous things even earlier in our relationship.

When I left - it was the end - I had known it for a long time and I felt truly angry and dissapointed with myself - caus if I had known myself better and had more confidence in who I was at the time - I would never have just fallen into this fake self and I would have admitted earlier on that we were not right for each other.

One of my goals was to never make the same mistake again - and was to get my own independence and find Claire lost somewhere in a deep dark place. I have come along way and I already feel really great about myself - in fact - I don't think I have felt this awesome ever. I know it is still a long road ahead and there are still quite alot of issues to deal with - but it is so invigorating to just feel good about myself. I don't have to pretent to be someone that I am not - I don't have to put my arms around a man that I do not love and I get to decide everyday what I want. Granted it is tough - caus now I need to make the decisions all by myself - which can be scary - but it is fantastic.

Now lets talk about Cuan - I think by now you know that I am totally and madly in love with you. I worry that I use those words to often - only because I never want them to become just words again. So I will try and not over do it (hee hee!)

This is the hard part - bringing out my own feelings....

I like this passion and intensity that we have for each other - I love the way your eyes light up when you see me - it is incredible and I have never felt so truly loved before. At the same time I see you battling with this thing about as much as I am.

I know you love your wife and I know you feel this incredible responsibility towards your family - I suppose in a weird way - I like that about you. In all honesty - if I was to be completely honest with you - I want you all to myself - I want you to be able to spend time with me - in my world and I want to be able to spend time with you in yours. I want to wake up in your arms and I want to spend hours with you - without either of us having to check the time.

That being said - I worry about this all - I think as we have both said - maybe is is so intense and amazing because we only have moments together - maybe the whole build up is part of the exitement. I don't think we can answer that though without actually going through the normal process of any relationship. Then I ask myself - why would Cuan give up his family to be with me on the hope that this may be something fantastic between us. It might not - what if when we have all this time together it fizzles. What if we really dont like each other in reality - why would you give up everything and take that risk.

I also worry that right now I really need to find my independence and stand on my own 2 feet. What would happen if you had to leave ... what then? If you had to leave would you be doing it for me or for yourself? I wouldn't want you to leave for me - it would just complicate things. I dont want to feel responsible for you leaving your wife. I really dont.

There is soo much going through my mind right now and I guess I am also very tired. So I will end with this thought for now ... whatever is meant to happen will happen and either way we will both get through this thing on the other side - a hell of alot wiser.

I will write more tomorrow caus I still have alot to get out....

reflection of life

2007-05-07T22:01:00.000+02:00

I have spent the last few days reflecting on life - it has been so good.

I feel for the first time in a very long time that things are okay - just where I am now - yes I do have plans - but it is okay to be where I am now. It feels as if an entire planet has been lifted off my shoulders and placed in the right order of things. It is so weird. I have a great sense of serenity around me....wow it feels good.

I have spent alot of time thinking of hein and what happened between us and I realise now that there were many reasons why our marriage did not work and why we just drifted so far apart and I think there were 2 main reasons - we both changed who we truly were to be what we thought the other person wanted and the second reason is apathy. There were many times that the cracks were showing in our marriage and we ignored them. I guess it was just not meant to be and I think for the first time there is no anger or hate - it is okay - I am okay.

I miss you so much - but I miss the uncomplicated conversations we used to have - I miss your smile everyday - I dont want things to be too complicated so I think we need to just keep things simple - I am not going to over analyse what we have - I just want to spend time with you whenever we can - I just want to stare into your eyes and get swept away to a far away place. I just want to spend hours making love to you and not think about anything but being at peace with you......

I hope you are doing well - I do worry that all this time apart will make you realise that you do not need these complications in your life - but I guess that is my own insecurities coming through. But hey, if that is the case - then I am okay with that too - life has a way of working itself out and everything will be okay.

Missing you

2007-05-05T21:00:00.000+02:00

I am having a really intense missing Cuan day. I think just the thought of not seeing you for such a long time - is making it more intense. I keep just wishing you could be here with me and just hold me and kiss me and keep me safe.

My sad thoughts

2007-04-23T20:21:00.000+02:00

I love you, I love you, I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From deep within my heart – I connect to your soul – there is passion and love and just an endless need to touch you connect to every part of you. Every moment I spend with you is like connecting with a long lost friend – someone who is just part of me – part of who I am – I just want to be close to you in every possible way – physically, mentally and spiritually.

Every time you leave – it is like someone has wrenched a part of me away – someone has taken a part of my soul away – someone has reached into my heart and pulled it away from its home. That someone is REALITY.

I just want to stop the whole world and just spend enough time with you – maybe then I will get sick of you and be able to move on. The nasty reality is that I cannot be with you – I cannot have you all to myself – you are not mine to have. You belong to another – that is why things should never have got to this point – attraction and chemistry is one thing – falling in love is a whole different ball game.

Soon you will be a dad again and your heart belongs to your wife and your boys – I cannot take that away from them. I cannot take their love away from them. I cannot break up a family. This is why I am sad – I feel like soon this fantasy world we have been living in will be over – soon you will be needed to be there for them and I cannot and will not stand in the way of that. I cannot drag you away from them.

This aching heart of mine

2007-04-23T20:03:00.000+02:00

Bleeding,
Aching ,
Tormented,
Filled only for a moment at a time
Leaking
Drip by drip
Slowly losing the battle
Filled only for a moment
Dying
Gasping
Crying
Filled only for a moment
All is lost
Going nowhere
Empty
Nothing to fill

Today

2007-04-19T19:25:00.000+02:00

Just a note to tell you that you are soooo special to me and I really hope from the bottom of my heart that I never loose this connection that we have - it may change shape and form but it will always be there

love me

Updates

2007-04-13T16:21:00.000+02:00

Written on 22 March 2007-04-09
This dangerous game we play
I am in love with this man who speaks to my heart and to the deepest part of my being and yet part of what forms this bond is that it can break at any time – there is no definite in this. Tomorrow it may be over – tomorrow that which binds us together can be ripped apart.
We all do things that are off the path – maybe it makes us feel unique – there is a belief that what we are feeling is unique and untouchable by anyone else except reality. There may come a time when reality shows its ugly head and chews off the sugar coated dream to reveal nothing and everything at once. It is all fine and well to live in a world of emotion and deep connection – but how do you keep that alive – as a person there is always a want and a need for more – when is enough just enough – when can we accept that what we have is enough for us to enjoy and not to over indulge.

How do we do this – how do we carry on with this? How do we accept the moments that we have together and live the remainder of our lives without it. I thought so much about if I would want you all to myself and if I would want you full time and the truth is that I don’t. I want to be my own person, I want to live my own life and I want to preserve the special moments that we have together – I just want more power over when and where – I just want you to be able to be there for me when I need you – when I want you and not be controlled by your schedule. I want you to give some extra time – I cannot give up more time at work – I cannot keep running out of the office – for now I have very little time to give during the day and you have very little time to give after hours. How do we do this.

09 April
My heart aches – I long for you. This whole weekend I missed you – I wanted to be with you. I wanted to have my legs wrapped around you as I sat watching the strippers on Thursday night. I wanted to come home and jump into bed with you. I wondered the whole weekend – what were you doing, will you phone me. Will you sms me – will things be okay next week. I cannot believe that I longed for you so much.
Your eyes, your smile, your touch – the way you look at life.
I kept wondering about you and your life and strangely enough – about your family and your wife and whether at this you wanted to figure things out for you and your family. I can see that if you wanted to make the effort you could get things on track and you could be happy with her and your kids. Life is all about choices and I see you have a need to have this family life. I can see it in your eyes – I can see that need to make things work. To sort things out. I truly believe that your wife has not been giving you a heck of alot of attention that you crave and if you had to sort that out – things would be good. You do love your wife, I see that in your soul. You are just frustrated that she has stopped giving you the attention that you need – and you do need alot of attention. Most relationships go through what you have been going through – especially when you have young kids and big careers. You both spend all of your attention on the kids and your jobs and not much for each other. All people fall in and out of love constantly throughout a marriage. You just need a bit of love and attention from her and you will be fine – you will fall in love with your wife all over again. How you get that is the trick – although I think she has already opened the door for that when she spoke to you about it the other night.
You just need to talk honestly and openly about it and the key word is honesty. No marriage can last without honesty.
Part of me does want to go back and delete all of what I have written – caus I have such strong feelings for you. But I would not be myself if I never tried to fix something. I feel like a fraud sometimes – falling in love with a married man – sex is one thing and as much as I try and pull away – I keep going back for more – there is a strong connection to you. I don’t quite understand it – caus I know that we all make choices – so the question is why do I keep making this choice to go back to you and to want more and more and more. I think that I will definitely need to discuss that one with my psychologist. However I read something in a book that explains that all our choices in life are based on pain and pleasure. I fear of pain (even perceived pain) and our basic human need for pleasure. Our fear of pain is always stronger than our need for pleasure. So then what is it that draws me back? Is it a fear of losing you – is it a fear of loneliness? Part of me wants to delete that last line – caus it sounds horrible – but maybe it is the truth. The truth is that if tomorrow you had to end it – I would be heart broken and it would be a big blow – but the reality is that no things are constant and everything changes and moves on and I will have to move on and carry on – and I will. But I am scared of that......
I often sit and think of what you and your wife are doing – I think about how you are going through the motions of life. How do you relate to her, how are things between the 2 of you. I wonder allot about what would happen either way – I mean what if you had to leave your wife and we had to get together – would things be any different with us....would we also get to that stage of boredom? On the other hand – what if things work out between the 2 of you? How would I cope? How would you feel – is that what you want? I don’t have the answers. I just lay awake and think of many many things – I battle so much with steady, slow paces – I battle with normality – I cant think of the right word. I tend to jump right into things with such great intensity and passion there is no middle ground with me. I am battling with not being able to jump right in and give you my heart and soul and everything in between. It is probably a good thing and I am learning to cherish moments and I am learning to just enjoy now and not to plan 10 years ahead – however it is very much out of character.
What the fuck happened actually – last week I was fine – intellectually I had everything sorted out. I think I just spent alot of time alone and thinking this last weekend and every time I was lonely and missed you – I thought about you spending time with your wife and your family and thought that I would never have that – it made me sad I guess – I was missing you considerably. I could not pick up the phone and speak to you – I could not send you an sms – I could not do anything but think of you with your family a thousand miles away.

Sadness

2007-03-09T15:51:00.000+02:00

I have the cloud of sadness over me like a blanket - covering my heart. I have this need to be with a man that I cannot have and I have a man that wants to be with me that I do not want. I have this incredible need to be independent and yet I have an incredible need to be dependent on the one thing I cannot have.

I know in my heart that I am heading on a one way course to heartbreak - on the one hand I have just broken free of a doomed relationship and forced my independence and on the other hand I am totally infatuated by an incredible man who is taken. I want more and yet I know that firstly I cannot have more and secondly I should not have more caus this is supposed to be time for me to recover and I am falling deeper and deeper into something that will end in a horrible way and yet I still yearn each morning to just see your smile for a moment - to just hear your voice for a moment.

In one breath I have completely given up all hope on love and passion - it is all an short lived illusion anyhow and on the other I have the overwhelming desire to be with you.........

Sorry about the morbid blog.....just feeling sad right now. I guess caus it is the weekend - weekends are always hard.

Time

2007-02-24T10:09:00.000+02:00

There is never enough time for the things you want to do and time can drag on and on and on - when you are doing something you don't want to do..........

I have spent the last 24 hours thinking of you with such incredible intensity - it is like an extreme addiction - I crave you. I crave your touch, I crave your smile - I crave the feeling of my fingers pushing against your body. I crave your voice, I crave your conversation, I crave your energy, I crave you inside of me............

Fuck, this is sooo intense. I can almost imagine how it feels to be a heroine addict that will do anything to get their next fix.

I have this image of a remote control and at some point during my drive home from work I press the mommy/wife button and change into that role so that when I get home I can be the mommy/wife. I really battled to press that button on friday though - and so I spent the entire night thinking about you.

Do you know that you are one of the very few people in my life that see through me.....I feel exposed. I cannot pretend with you, I cannot put my mask on - you see right through it. There are not many people who see the real person beyond all the bullshit. It scares the hell out of me but at the same time there is sense of bliss.

I am smiling as I sit here - thinking of this whole experience. It is really amazing how life plays out - how one moment can change your whole perspective on things. What is it about you that I just cannot put out of my mind? Why do I lay awake at night thinking about you? It is just a game - life I mean - everything is just a game. YOu play to the best of your ability and you pour your heart and soul into things - but there are just times when no matter how hard you play - you cannot control the outcome and you still don't win.

I think on Friday I could really have just given in to the passion - I can get very intense and passionate about something up until the point where all reason is lost and I make choices based on child like feelings of getting what I want. As I said this is very intense.

Slow down Claire.......

Okay - I am over that now - just needed to get it all out I think.

Rollercoaster

2007-02-20T20:52:00.000+02:00

Up and down
Backwards
Forwards
Swhirling

Should I?
Shouldn't I?
Do I want to?
Don't I want to?

Where are you mind
Come back to me
Take control

Reach out
Spread out
Get out! Stay out!

Where are you heart
Beating slowly
Beating fast

Slow down
Breath deeply
Calming, beating

Rushing, fleeting
touching, feeling
Race into the stars

Explosion............

Frustration............

Flee passion
Flee aggresion
Flee addiction

Where are you?

Emptiness.............

Feel passion
Feel aggresion
Feel addiction

I need you!!!

Bliss

2007-02-13T21:29:00.000+02:00

I have this incredible calmness around you - it is really weird. I will be having a tough day or just having one of those days where I have to fight with the whole world and then for that moment that I see you and I look into your eyes - everything is calm. Emotionally anyway.....

As for the rest of me - there is this wild like passion that engulfs me and I have this animal like instinct that just wants to touch you and connect with you. I have to put a leash on this animal (very kinky) and control myself very carefully so that I dont just rip all you clothes off and jump your bones at work ....ha ha - now that is a funny thought!

I have these flash backs from last week all the time and I have intense sensation through my body of 2 things. The first is the way you kissed me all over - that was so incredible - I keep playing that over and over in my mind and I feel you lips on my neck and my back - wow - I have never been kissed like that before. The second is when you took me from behind and I was lying flat with my legs closed - just before you came. That feeling - my god - everytime I think of it I get all wet and horny ... I think if I was a man I would have to sit at my desk all day - either that or wear VERY baggy clothes...... luckily I am a woman and can go to the bathroom and wipe it all away.... now there is something to think about ..... I can be really crass cant I!!

The Childlike empress

2007-02-13T21:05:00.000+02:00

Had to use that title from Never ending story.....

Emotionally I am like a child - I have never ending faith in people and I have this undying hope that in everyone there is a truly good side. It is the more logical side that seems to bring balance into my life - which is not an all together bad thing unless these 2 are at war - then there is chaos.

My mother did a fantastic job at raising us girls - we are all these strong minded, strong willed woman who know what we want and go out and get it.....it is really strange to have all of us in a room and I can imagine how any man would be totally intimidated by the 4 of us. The irony of all of this is that sometimes we are too strong and I think we threaten the men in our lives.

7 years ago, I was in exactly the same place I am in now - my life has turned full circle. I believe that life keeps trying to teach you things and you will keep experiencing the same problems until you have learnt the lesson and each time it gets louder and louder - until finally you tune into the lesson and find out what it is that you are meant to learn from the situation.

So once agan, I am in the same situation that I was then - so what is the lesson? At this point I realise that it is about me listening to my own needs. I spend my entire life giving truly everything I have to everyone else - my daughter, my husband, my family, my friends, my staff, my boss - and anyone else in between. At the end of all of this - there is nothing left for me - I have this very strong inner voice right now that is screaming for attention and for a change I am listening to this little girl inside me, who has been neglected for so long and all she really wants is 5 minutes of attention. A chance to tell her story and a chance to be heard.

I think I will never stop giving to everyone around me - that is who I am - I enjoy it and it really inspires me to give to other people. I think the challenge right now is to stop and recharge every now and then and listen to that little girl inside me for a while and give her some love and attention.

How do you see yourself as an old person?

I always pictured myself to be the wise old lady that everyone comes to speak to and the one who can always listen and help people navigate life.

I feel like I have had this awakening and I no longer need to pretend.....very weird feeling!! I have been pretending my way through my home life for such a long time and now I finally see that this is not me - I am who I am and I really do like myself - so why pretend.

Before I met hubby I used to be very in touch with myself and although it was tough I was determined to be me despite what anyone else in the world said or done. I was really inspired by life and I really grew so much as a person in those couple of years because I was in touch with myself and I allowed myself to learn lifes lessons and to grow as a person everyday. I keep thinking about that - when did I lose it - when and why did I feel that I had to be this person, when did I lose myself - when did I start this whole mission of mine to make him happy and sacrifice myself?? Another strange unanswered question.

Despair

2007-02-13T20:58:00.000+02:00

Sadness
A battle lost
Never ending love
wasted

Anger
Withered Love
Promise of happiness
dissolved

Darkness
The sun has set
Dream of hope
Vanished

Despair
hope is gone
will there be light?
Tomorrow

Fallen

2007-02-09T20:50:00.000+02:00

I have fallen into a deep dark whirlpool, spinning wildy out of control. I saw it before I jumped in - I saw the water swirling around and around. I saw the emptiness at the bottom, I saw the darkness - I saw the pain and yet I still jumped in.........I still tried to swim, I still tried to control the whirlpool, I still tried to fight off the pull into the deepness and then I sank, I let go, I could not hold on - I could not fight off the strenghth of the water pulling me deeper and deeper into the depths................................

This has gone so far - I cannot pretend to not care for you, I cannot pretend that it is all about physical attraction any more and yet what do I do - I cannot allow myself to think that by letting all this carry on that anything good will happen. I will get more attached - I will keep getting deeper and deeper emotionally - until it is too late - until I cannot be without you......it will fail - I will get hurt - the cuts will heal - but there will always be scars and I will always have them to remind me of how I once felt and how I once had this passion for another that will never be - one that will never be real - it is all an illusion - a very well played out illusion.

Lost

2007-02-09T20:37:00.000+02:00

Lost
Lost in an illusion
Lost in a place that is not real

Lost in your eyes, lost in the thought of seeing your smile

Dream
Dream of an illusion
Dream of a place that is not real

Dream of your touch, dream of a moment stolen in time.

Lust
Lust in the illusion
Lust in the place that is not real

Lust for your kiss, lust for the feel of your body against mine

Tenderness

2007-02-05T21:27:00.000+02:00

Touch me
Touch my Neck
Touch my Skin

I feel your touch
I feel your tongue on my neck
I feel the warmth of your body on mine

Kiss me
Kiss my neck
Kiss my skin

I feel your kiss
I feel your kiss on my neck
I feel the touch of your hand in mine

Touch me
Feel me
Kiss me

I need your touch
I need your kiss
I need the ache of your body in mine

comments

2007-02-05T21:26:00.000+02:00

Feel free to leave comments........I love to know what you are thinking!!!!

Welcome to the DARK SIDE

2007-02-05T21:11:00.000+02:00

I was driving home today thinking, daydreaming - every thought through my mind was of you - how when you smile - there is this naughtiness that shines through - how when you touch me - even for a moment - there is an intensity of passion that runs through me. I thought about how you make me smile - even when I am having a horrible day. I thought about You....you and more you.

There is all that and then there is this dark feeling of frustration - that is totally being ignored right now - even as I type this I am ignoring the fact that in reality this is just an illusion - just a fleeting moment of life that will at some point fade away. A stolen moment in another life. It is like all day I am this woman who just wants to see you and touch you and flirt with you - it soo much fun. I love doing it!! Then there is me the mom and the wife - which every night and every weekend I must carry on and live that life.

I am living my life right now in a complete DAZE - every spare moment is spent on thoughts of you and the fun and the passion and it feels soooo good! Everything in life has a beginning and an end and I know that this will end at some point .... no idea when or where or how - right now though I am enjoying the ride and whatever happens it is still worth it - even if for these small moments when I get to kiss you on the stairs or stare at you accross my desk.......

Purrrrrring..................

2007-02-02T20:35:00.000+02:00

YOU DRIVE ME WILD!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that about sums it up.

I spend every waking moment desiring that which I cannot have. I lie awake at night thinking about that smile, that touch, and that mischevious look in your eyes.

I just want to touch every part of you, deeply caress you, run my fingers over your body........

I want to touch your lips with mine and then softly lick your lips and your tongue. I want to sit on top of you and feel you deep inside me, while I slowly rock on top of you, touching you, kissing you and staring into your eyes while that feeling of intense pleasure rushes through my body and explodes into complete ecstasy...............

As I said - YOU DRIVE ME WILD!

You

2007-01-31T20:35:00.000+02:00

A little about me.....

I am this woman who is sometimes still a girl. I love to have fun and laugh. I love to get involved in alot of different things. I love trying new things and have done that alot in my life. Mostly I try things and get intensly involved in them until I get bored and then try something else. That seems to be a common theme in my life. It used to bug me - caus I mean I do something and give it 150% of my time and energy and then one day I wake up and lose interest - but I think as you become older you stop trying to be perfect and accept things in your life, you start to accept who you are. I suppose that is where I am at right now - not to say that I have stopped trying to grow as a person - however, I realise that if I put so much pressure on myself to be the wonder woman - it does more harm than good. So I am me warts and all - and I am happy with that.

I LOVE CHOCOLATE!!!!!! Just though I would admit to that as well, while I am on a roll.....

I also love people - all kinds of people. My number one thing in life is to talk to interesting people and to learn about peoples lives and their view on the world. Yes, granted there are a few people who, to put it simply, piss me off and I want to give them a big fat smack accross the face - however, for the rest - I love to talk to.

I am a multi faceted person and I have so many characteristics that are opposite that sometimes it does become a total conflict of interest. I am a very creative emotional person and when I allow myself to let go completely I am sometimes surprised at the things I can create. Then on the other hand when I am faced with a problem I can sit down and logically tackle the problem without emotion and come up with a great solution. The problem comes in when both these sides of my personality are screaming for attention at the same time...... that is when it becomes interesting.

I decided just over a year ago that it was about time that I went for therapy - not because I am a nutter - but because I needed to just talk to someone objective and clear my head sometimes. It was great caus I really did learn alot about myself - well not learn ...most of the stuff I already knew - but it was good to talk it out and just put it out there.

One of things that I did learn is that I am excellent at blocking emotions - this does have its advantages - especially in a business environment and I suppose when you need to just be the calm mommy, wife and general support structure to everyone and anyone. It is also great for protecting yourself from being hurt. That is not to say that I don't feel emotion - I most certainly do - I just have a way of tucking it away in a neat little box and swiftly moving away from it and putting on my happy, smiling - everything is fine face. It is however, not always a good thing and I am starting to venture out into the world of emotion every now and again....it is scary though.......

That is it for now - I am getting rather sleeeeeepy!!!

Until next time.....(sounds like an ending to Barney)

Testing again

2007-01-31T20:04:00.000+02:00

testing again

2007-01-29T22:08:00.000+02:00

let me know if you can see this